By My Side Read online

  “She didn’t wake up,” I said in a voice I didn’t recognize.

  “Because she’s too intoxicated. They’ll do some tests and keep her tonight, but she’ll be okay. I promise.” Dropping my eyes, I looked at my hands. I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel like this life was mine. I was shattering.

  “Don’t make a promise you can’t keep.” He put his hand on my cheek and forced me to look at him. He’s so tall; his hands were so huge and that made me feel safe with him. Crazy thought.

  “I’m not the kind of guy who breaks a promise. Now, do you want me to drive you to the hospital?” I took a breath and put a hand on his, which was still on my face. Human contact was good.

  “Go home. You’ve helped me enough,” I said in a murmur.

  “What if I want to come with you?”

  “Why?” I was at a loss of words. I couldn’t think clearly. Everything was so complicated.

  “Because I want to be with you.” He stepped back, but not before I felt his hand shaking a little. What did he mean?

  “Your car, or mine?” I asked. After all, what’s the problem? I needed him.

  Hospitals were depressing. I remembered when I came for a broken arm and for my appendicitis. This place never brought happy memories. Even the smell was awful. We were waiting for two hours. It’s been long, but Gabe never seemed to be impatient. He’s calm, and it helped. We came with his car, which was not as old as mine, and he seemed to want to stay here with me. He even called his parents to tell them he was crashing with a friend. They believed him without much trouble. Maybe they were happy he was seeing someone else. If only they knew.

  “Miss Saunders?” a doctor called, a file in hand and a hypocritical smile.

  I stood up and grabbed Gabe’s hand without thinking.

  “That’s me. How is my mother?” I asked in a voice quieter than usual.

  “She’s better. She needed twenty-two stitches, but her forearm will be okay in a few weeks. We ran some tests to see if she knocked her head when she fell, but everything is fine. No concussion.”

  “So, we can bring her home?” Somewhere in my head I knew all along things weren’t that simple.

  “No, I’m sorry, Miss Saunders. She’s staying for the night, for observation. Even more, she’ll see a psychiatrist to discuss her addiction.”

  “Oh,” I managed to say, tightening my grip on Gabe’s hand. I felt so cold it was heaven to feel someone’s heat.

  “How old are you, Miss Saunders?” Don’t panic or everything will be uglier.

  “I turned eighteen in April.” The doctor looked at Gabe and me, and seemed to buy my lie. Thank God, Gabe looked easily twenty.

  “You should go home. Your mother has been sedated. She’ll sleep until tomorrow morning.”

  And just like that, he turned around. No social worker after my mom, and we’ll be okay. I hoped she’d listen to the psychiatrist, but I wasn’t sure she would. Still gripping Gabe’s hand, I leaned against the wall. All this white was disturbing. My stomach groaned and Gabe chuckled at the sound. We hadn’t eaten one thing since breakfast, and it’s already evening.

  “Do you want to see your mother before we leave?” Gabe asked, his thumb making little circles on my hand.

  “Am I a terrible person if I say I don’t want to see her?” Yeah, sometimes I give a damn about what people might think about me. Right now, I just wanted to go home. I needed to draw. I just needed an escape.

  “Of course not, come on.”

  Still hand in hand, we headed to the parking lot. The pressure of his masculine hand in mine was the only thing that made me stay in the present, which made me stay in control. No tears wanted to come and it’s fine with me.

  We ate a pizza, a really good classic one, and were talking about high school. Gabe was trying to distract me from the rest of my life. It’s funny to think now that the only thing normal in my life was high school.

  “So, you’re hanging out with the popular crowd since you’re always with Andy?” he asked with a smile. I laughed. Yeah, I was really a social butterfly. Like hell!

  “Yeah, you know me. I’m always smiling, talking pleasantly, and so on. People are attracted to me.” I missed my sarcasm; it’s good to find it again.

  “You’re not the high scholar type, but you’re quite fun,” he teased.

  I took the pizza box, now empty, and put it in the garbage bin full of bottles. I grabbed two Cokes in the fridge and sat down in front of Gabe, who hadn’t missed one movement. It’s not as creepy as it could be.

  “Maybe it’s because we’re alike at some things. We’re real pros with sarcasm, we can’t say sorry, and we’re messed up.”

  “You’re right, but I can’t imagine that nobody at school wants to hang out with you,” he insisted, frowning.

  “There are some people, but I don’t connect with them. I’m always filtrating what to say and what not to say. It’s frustrating, and Andy doesn’t understand that.” When I said Andy’s name, I saw Gabe tense. I was so clumsy with him. If only his gray eyes didn’t make me so nervous.

  “Sometimes I don’t get people,” he said, turning his ring repeatedly. What did he mean? Was he talking about his brother? Or about Connor? Or even my parents? Or worse, was he talking about me?

  Remembering what he said to his parents about crashing at some friend’s house I was wondering if I had to invite him to stay tonight. After what he did for me, I could do that.

  “Do you want to stay? I mean, your parents are not expecting you tonight,” I said, blushing a little. I didn’t even know why.

  “If it’s not bothering you, it would be cool.” He was rubbing a hand on his stubble.

  “No, it’s okay, but we don’t have a guest room. You can sleep in the office. Well, it was an office, but now there’s only a couch.”

  “That’s fine, thank you.” I smiled a little, but it didn’t reach my eyes. I didn’t have to pretend with him, but I couldn’t help to try nevertheless. I was stubborn and everyone knew it.

  “You must be exhausted,” I said, seeing it was nearly midnight. The day had been long and short at the same time. The confrontation with my father seemed so far away. Strange.

  “You want to draw before going to bed,” he stated. He’s reading me like an open book. Really disturbing.

  “Yeah, I need to calm down, or I’ll never fall asleep. I’ve got many things to get out of my mind.”

  “Can I come?” he asked. I wasn’t expecting that. I thought he would want to put an end to this day.

  “Why? It’s not very interesting, you know. I draw in silence. Nothing extravagant,” I replied. He finished his Coke and stood up. Once again, his mind was already made up.

  “I’m not really exhausted, Lily. Now I’m used to sleeping later. And I’m not exactly excited to have nightmares.” When he put it like that, I couldn’t say no. He’s good with guilt and compassion.

  “Okay, but you’re not going to look over my shoulder and you’ll stay quiet.”

  “All right, Chief!” I raised my eyebrow. Idiot! However, I smiled.

  My first drawing was an empty hospital room. The bed was unmade, with an IV next to it. Looking at it sent a chill down my spine. Gabe was sitting on the floor, reading. He always had a book in his jean’s pocket. It’s an old paperback of Never Let Me Go. He’s quiet, but sometimes I felt his eyes on me. I could tell he’s curious about this artist part of me. I was more sensitive and soft than I seemed.

  “Hey, Gabe,” I called him after inscribing the date on my drawing. “Not exactly a surprising drawing, right?” He stood up and took it between his huge palms, looking at it like it represented a huge mystery. I lost myself in the gray of his eyes. It’s so unusual and much more impressive than I thought.

  “But it’s meaningful and an incredible show of realism.”

  “You’re generous with compliments,” I said, blushing and returning to my pad.

  “When it’s true I can be. Do I put it in the cu
pboard?”

  “Yeah, the key is taped behind the easel.”

  I heard him walk over, but I was returning to my own world. This time I was drawing a father yelling at his little daughter who fell and scratched her knee. She’s not crying, but the hurt was written all over her little chubby face.

  I was fast. It’s like I wanted to extricate this from me. My hand was precise and sure. With my index finger, I stumped some lines, some angles. I didn’t know how much time I spent on it, but my shoulders were relaxed and also a little painful from staying in the same position.

  “You finished it?”

  Gabe was standing up. I heard the noise of his jeans and the wood cracking under his steps. Standing behind me, he looked at my drawing. He placed a hand on my shoulder. This was my inner pain. This was all me.

  “I’m ready to sleep now,” I said, standing up and putting my drawing in the cupboard. “And you? What do you do to relax? And don’t say reading because it doesn’t count.” We headed downstairs before stopping in front of my door. He brushed his hair, but they didn’t seem to want to behave.

  “I go outside at night and play guitar where nobody can hear me,” he answered. I remembered when he was nine or ten and took guitar lessons. Wow. I never heard him play. Well, he never played in public.

  “Hey, I forgot about the guitar lessons! Why don’t you want to be heard?”

  “I like to play for myself. No audience.”

  “So, you won’t play in front of me,” I said with disappointment. He saw my art, he saw me drawing, but I couldn’t witness his little secret? Tell me about disparity.

  “I’m not exactly fond of the idea, but since I saw your secret …”

  “Really? You don’t have to.”

  “You’re softer with me, and it’s disturbing,” he said, embarrassed.

  “You want me to be a snob?” We laughed a little and looked at the door, still closed.

  “Maybe tomorrow night you’ll have the privilege to hear me play.”

  “Deal.”

  “Yeah, deal,” he said heading to the stairs.

  Chapter Six

  He’s downstairs, and I couldn’t sleep. I was exhausted. My eyes were burning, and my entire body was aching, but I was still awake. Crap!

  So what now? I turned on my light and thought about reading, hoping I’d finally fall asleep. Not a bad idea, but I didn’t want to read right now. I was just focusing on the fact that Gabe was downstairs. I’ve got an obsession now. Fantastic!

  Was it me, or did I hear a noise in the corridor? No, this house was like any other, noises happen. Knock, knock.

  He’s knocking at my door! Or I was dreaming. Nevertheless, I stood up and opened my door. He’s here with his shirt on and his jeans. He’s just barefoot. Okay, I was not dreaming, or he would have been wearing a lot less.

  “You had a nightmare?” Great first words to welcome a guy in my bedroom at night.

  “I have to sleep for that. I thought I heard you tossing around in your bed.”

  Thank God he couldn’t hear my heartbeat. I looked down and saw what I was wearing, a huge T-shirt from New York, and nothing else. I looked at him and saw his eyes trailing down my legs. They’re not very long, but I was quite proud of my muscles. I liked them, and he did too obviously. He swallowed hard.

  “I’d better go,” he said, his voice husky. In the night, he couldn’t see me blushing, but my cheeks were burning.

  “You can stay.” Did I just say that? Impossible. I’ve got only one bed.

  “Hmm … I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Now I was lost. What’s the problem? He came here, but now that we’re both up and really awake he wanted to return downstairs?

  “Why?” I asked. Hell, did I just say that aloud? His uneasiness intensified more. He leaned against the doorframe.

  “It’s night and there’s nobody here besides us. You don’t need a picture, do you?”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “You’re making me nervous wearing that.” Standing up and crossing my legs was not a simple move, but somehow I managed without falling. Yeah me!

  “I’ll jump in some pants.”

  “Still. I prefer to go. Good night, Lily,” he said, heading downstairs quickly.

  What just happened? He didn’t feel desire for me, right? My heart sped up, and an idiotic smile appeared on my face. I didn’t want to hook up with Gabe, but I was flattered, happy, and excited. Okay, I was really no better than the other girls after him. Bad idea but what could I do? My smile disappeared quickly when my eyes fell on the door of my mother’s bedroom.

  Waking up to the sound of a car wasn’t the best wakeup call ever. It got worse when I realized it was Gabe’s car. He left without a goodbye or see you soon. I knew I was a little dense this morning. It’s ten a.m., but I felt sleep deprived.

  As I put my feet on the cold floor, I remembered where my mom was. Oh, I hadn’t forgotten, but I put this information aside to calm down. Now, all I could think about was what would happen if she told them I was not eighteen.

  I hated being in this position. Yeah, maybe I wasn’t mature, but I wasn’t the kind of girl who did crazy things. I was more responsible than most people my age. Stop! Right now, I needed coffee, and lots of it. In a zombie walk, I continued on to the kitchen and made coffee. I loved the smell. I took a deep breath and sighed happily. A simple pleasure to brighten up a day. Good viewpoint, for now, and the now was in the past when my eyes registered the letter next to a doughnut. It’s easy to know who wrote it. I poured a mug—with the Statue of Liberty on it—and sat down gracelessly. Poor chair.

  I took a gulp and put down the coffee. The curiosity was more powerful than the nervousness. I took the letter, opened it, and began to read. What if he wanted to stay away from me because of what happened last night? Technically, nothing happened, but the possibility was there.

  Lily,

  I waited to see if you’d wake up, but you didn’t, so I bought some doughnuts to excuse my absence at breakfast. If you want, I’ll bring food for lunch before we go to the hospital to fetch you mother. See you soon.

  - G -

  He’s thoughtful. I remember when I thought of him as selfish. I was so wrong that it’s hilarious. There’s just one thing that was disturbing me. There’s no mention about last night. I didn’t know if I could do the nothing happened thing. I wanted to speak about it because I was completely lost, but it would be awkward. If only one day could be simple, just one for once! I wrote him a message on my phone to let him know I was up.

  I didn’t want to be selfish, but helping me seemed to help him deal with the death of Connor. He’s still mourning his loss, but not as alone as before. Me either. Without him, I preferred not to think what would have happened.

  I finished my breakfast and headed to my bedroom to get ready for the day, and a little for Gabe. For once, I wanted somebody to see me as beautiful, or pretty. Just a little make-up for my eyes—eyeliner and mascara—and a cute sundress. Blue like my eyes, far from perfect, but not bad. Now I hoped he wouldn’t think it was for him even if it was partly true. I hadn’t realized, we girls were that complicated.

  It’s him! I heard his car. Calm down and breathe. I’d spent two hours alone in the house watching a movie on TV. A really bad one, I might add. I figured out the killer after only ten minutes.

  I stood up and opened the door before he could ring the doorbell. He was surprised. Good. Well, I didn’t know if it was because he found me pretty, or if he’s just astounded to see me in a dress. I hadn’t worn one since my seventh birthday because it wasn’t practical to play in. Rectification, he’s looking at my little cleavage.

  “I don’t even remember when the last time you wore a dress was,” he said, coming in the house with Chinese food.

  “My seventh birthday,” I replied. “I thought I’d better look more like an eighteen-year-old if I don’t want to be bothered by a social worker,” I lied without hesitation, playing with my hair
.

  “Oh, um, yeah good idea. However, you know you don’t really look seventeen no matter what you’re wearing,” he said with a blush.

  “Was that a compliment?” I asked anxiously. I sat down with him at the little metal table in the kitchen, ready to eat the food even if it’s a reminder of our family ritual. It’s the past now.

  “Yeah.”

  Okay. Who’ll break eye contact first because I didn’t want to? I think I looked like an idiot with chopsticks in the air and my dreamy face. Actually, he’s not any better. He shaved so I could see him blushing hard, and the box of food was midway between the table and his mouth.

  “So,” he said after swallowing hard. “You think your mother will listen to the psychiatrist?” Instantly, my mood crashed. I began to eat, not paying attention to the fact that, for once, I wasn’t bad with chopsticks.

  “I don’t know. We’ll see.”

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  I held eye contact and smiled a little. He’s so worried all the time, like I could break into a million pieces. I was tougher than that … I think. It’s good to have someone concerned about me.

  “I haven’t eaten Chinese food in several months.”

  He put down his fork and drank some Coke, lost in his thoughts. He’s so careful around me, always thinking before speaking. I wasn’t that thoughtful.

  “It’s your favorite food, isn’t it?” he stated. I was impressed, and delighted. He brought it especially for me. He’s more a Mexican food man.

  “Did you know you’re an incredible person?”

  Great! Did I just really say that? To calm down, I drank my glass of Coke in one gulp. Bad idea, really. I choked on my soda, and some Coke flew out of my nose. My eyes were full of tears, and I had to choke to let them fall. Gabe stood up and gave me a paper napkin.

  “I know I’m incredible, but you don’t have to choke to death because you finally admitted it,” he said teasingly. I took a breath and cleaned up my face. I hated it.

  “You’re full of it, Gabe.”