By My Side Read online

  “Oh, yeah, you’re still an ass to me, but still.”

  We looked at each other, a new understanding passing. I averted my gaze first and returned to my car on shaky legs. What was that? I looked at the bonfire and saw Andy glaring at me. He had seen and he couldn’t stand me anymore. With an ache in my heart and many questions in my head, I climbed in my car.

  Two in the morning and I was in the attic. It’s my refuge. Four lamps were on and provided a soft light for me to paint or draw. I hadn’t touched a brush or a pencil since the breaking news about the divorce two months ago.

  Art was my little private pleasure. Nobody had seen my art, not even my parents. Andy didn’t know about it. My dream was to become a publisher, not an artist lost in New York. When I draw, I forget about judgment and about sarcasm. I was me, without my shield.

  I was looking at my last drawing I just finished; a girl lost in the dark, crying. She’s nothing like me, but she’s me in some way. I couldn’t cry, but I could draw about it. My drawing was dark, desperate, and I loved it. I sighed and put it in the cupboard where I kept all my drawings since I was ten when I took art at the next level. Some people kept and wrote a diary; instead, I draw what I felt.

  I closed the cupboard and looked at the attic. Everything was in wood. There’s a desk in one corner, where I was sitting earlier, and an easel next to the only window—a little opening on the south. Everywhere on the ground were paints, brushes, and blank canvases. One by one, I turned off the lamps, returning to the dark where I could hear my mom snoring loudly from the alcohol she had drank and passed out from.

  Smelling a breath stinking of alcohol at breakfast was disgusting. How could she drink like that at eight in the morning? I breathed in my coffee, trying to chase away my nausea.

  “When will you return to work?” I asked, not bothering with any pleasantries.

  “I called in sick yesterday. I took two weeks,” she mumbled, taking a new bottle. This time she was in whiskey mood. Wonderful. If she spilled, it’d be more difficult to clean the mess. After all, it’s her problem. Who cared? Well, me obviously.

  I finished my mug and put it in the sink. Do I have to make her something to eat? She’s had nothing in her stomach since she threw up yesterday night. I closed my eyes, trying to ease my breathing.

  “Don’t you think you need to eat?” I pointed out in a calm tone. I pushed aside my long hair to look at my mother. She was furious at me this time.

  “Now my teenage daughter is giving me advice, don’t make me laugh.” Before all this crap she would never have mocked me or been bitter. She’s a strong woman, or it’s what I thought.

  “You’re a hypocrite,” I replied angrily. “Who’s acting like a teenager? I cleaned your mess and helped you to bed because you were too drunk!” It’s openly said. Not exactly with tact, but that’s me.

  “What, no more sarcasm, Lily? Your mother’s a mess so you’ve got an easy subject,” she replied, the bottle in hand. She took a big gulp and smiled with provocation. What’s the matter now? I will not fight with her even if it’s what she wanted. I will not play this kind of mind game. I was not that crazy … yet.

  “Too easy, I need a target more challenging.” I was not a perfect daughter—far from it even—because this answer was more provocative than the previous attack.

  “Charming,” she replied and turned to leave. What were you expecting, Mother?

  She walked to the living room, bumping twice into the white wall. She’s already wasted, nice … I put my long—too long—hair in a tight bun and grabbed my keys. She didn’t want my help and I didn’t want to witness this. She wanted to be selfish, so I will be, too. Maybe I was childish, but it hurt. Everything hurt. I put my car in gear and left this Hell house. Where will I go? Andy was no longer there for me. My head hurt; I had a constant headache.

  Without thinking, I was in front of Andy’s house. I have ended up here so many times, that without even thinking about it I still end up here. What will I do? I sighed heavily and jumped out of my car into the hot sun. I’m wearing black shorts and a green tank top over my new black bikini. As usual, I’ve got All Stars on my feet, my trademark. I wasn’t exactly a girly-girl, but I wasn’t trying to hide my generous curves either.

  I rang the doorbell and waited. My brain was blank. I didn’t have any idea of what I’d say to Andy, I just needed him. I hoped he would open the door, knowing his parents were already at work, but Gabe was the one who welcomed me. He was shirtless, so it was hard to miss his tan or well-built physique. Okay, now I needed to focus on his face and not on his body. God, it’s Gabe! That thought woke me up.

  “Hi!” It’s the first time in my life I said it to him. I was morphing into all the girls drooling over him. He’s sexy as hell, so what? Suddenly I recalled our talk the night before.

  “Don’t tell me you came for me or I’ll collapse,” he replied, teasing me with a rueful smile. He noticed I checked him out. Busted! I hoped I wasn’t blushing.

  “No, jackass. Is Andy here?” I entered after he motioned me in. He had a cup of coffee and it smelled divine.

  “He’s in his room, but I wouldn’t go up if I were you.” He returned into the kitchen and poured a second mug. “I saw you drooling over my mug,” he said, giving it to me. So he saw me checking him out.

  “Thanks, I suppose.” Was it because he felt some pity for me about my life? Because he’s never kind to me.

  “I’ll always tease you, but we’re not kids anymore. You’re seventeen, and I’m twenty. Everything changed,” he replied with a smile. I drank my coffee, hot, black, and strong. Perfect. I sighed.

  “Yeah, everything changed.” We looked at each other.

  “Why wouldn’t I want to see Andy?” I finally asked, embarrassed by this exchange.

  “Well, you accuse me of being an ass, but not him,” he began, putting his mug in the sink and passing a hand in his hair. “He’s no better than me.”

  “It runs in the family.”

  “Something like that. But seriously, Lily, he’s jealous,” he explained. I could imagine it. I didn’t want a new fight, but letting things like this go wasn’t always good.

  “Thanks for the tip,” I said, finishing my coffee before I headed to the stairs.

  “You’re so stubborn,” he mumbled.

  “Thank you,” I replied with a laugh. Enjoying Gabe’s company was strange, but I was. I knocked at Andy’s door.

  “Who is it?”

  “Someone you seem to have forgotten.” Frowning, he opened the door. He’s not pleased at all.

  “My brother isn’t enough for you?” he snapped at me. I was in shock. If that’s what he thought of me, I didn’t understand how we could have been friends. I knew he’d always been in competition with Gabe, but I was not part of this. He must know it. Did he know about the loss Gabe was dealing with?

  “You’re kidding,” I replied. He exhaled and shook his head. When he wanted to be, he could be really obnoxious.

  “Like you don’t know what I mean. You’re like all the sluts you criticize. You’re no better. All you want is him to screw you. Take a ticket.”

  I never cared what people thought about me, but with Andy it’s different. Having the person you trust most in the world talking about you like that was hurtful. More hurtful than I could have imagined.

  “Now I really know who you are,” I said coldly, my blue eyes locked with his brown.

  I turned around and marched downstairs.

  Downstairs, I wanted to collapse on the ground under the weight of the pain. I had lost my father, my mother, and now my best friend. Why couldn’t I keep people in my life?

  “Hey. I told you he wasn’t in a good mood,” Gabe said softly, leaning against the wall next to the entry of the kitchen.

  “I think I’ll never try again,” I replied softly. Gabe brushed his T-shirt off—thankfully now he’s got one on—and looked up the stairs.

  “He’s just jealous. We boys can be big idi
ots with girls we like.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “Believe me, he’s into you.”

  “Even if it’s true, I can’t deal with this crap right now,” I said, exhaustion audible. “I thought my best friend would see that.” I looked at him pointedly. He saw it, Gabe understood me.

  “Jealousy makes people blind.”

  “Never mind, I’ve got to go.” I turned around and headed to the door, feeling hot and anxious.

  “Wait. Where are you going?” he asked. My hand on the handle, I stopped.

  “I’m going to the lake. It’s too hot outside and I need to swim.”

  “Can you give me a ride?” he asked in return. I thought about Andy and rage overwhelmed me. To Hell with everybody, even him!

  “I’ll wait in the car.”

  There were families swimming or tanning everywhere, and groups of kids from school. I was very conscious of Gabe walking next to me. Many people said hi and everybody looked at me strangely. They knew perfectly well we couldn’t stand each other, so coming together must be an unusual spectacle.

  I thought he would go with his friends, but instead he put his beach towel next to mine and sat down on it. He stripped off his Sex Pistols T-shirt and lay down. Once again, my eyes took in the view. My excuse for my behavior? I was a teenager with crazy hormones like every other girl. Not a reassuring explanation, but better than thinking I was attracted to him. Eww.

  Still standing over my beach towel, I took a breath and stripped off my shorts and tank top. I felt naked with only my black bikini. I unleashed my hair and fell on my beach towel, taking in the view. I felt Gabe’s eyes roaming over me. I didn’t look at him, but I needed a remark to break this embarrassing moment.

  “Now that you checked me out, I can ask you why you’re still with me and not with your friends.” I turned towards him and saw him smiling. He was blushing, Unbelievable!

  “You’re alone,” came his reply.

  “Oh please, like that’s a problem for me!” It was true, I was a loner at heart. I brushed my flat stomach where some dirt got stuck after the wind blew. Gabe followed my movement and swallowed. I frowned.

  “I don’t want to go with them, but if I stay alone they’ll come to me. I know I don’t have to speak with you,” he explained.

  “I’m a convenient choice? Nice.” He sighed and tugged himself on his elbows to have a better look at me.

  “I didn’t want it to sound like that,” he replied, biting his lower lip.

  “I’m kidding. It’s fine,” I said with a small smile, looking at the bright sky. “Let’s go for a swim.”

  Walking over the little stones was really painful. I hated it, but the ocean was too far away, so we had to take what we’ve got. It’s better than nothing. I put one foot in the water to test it. Wow, it’s hot! It won’t really refresh me.

  “You’re afraid of a little water, Saunders?” he teased, two steps behind me. I turned around and gave him a mischievous grin. He arched one eyebrow.

  I faced the lake and ran in, plunging underwater. I stayed two seconds and resurfaced. He was in the water, up to his waist, looking at me with his goofy grin he was well known for.

  “So, Gabe, you chicken? Is the water too cold for you?”

  “Better start swimming, Saunders!” he yelled with a laugh in his voice. The bitterness was no longer there and he seemed happy again. I saw him storming to me, and made my run from him, laughing as I tried to swim away. I didn’t think about my parents or Andy. It’s just me and now, and for a short moment in life, I was enjoying my little piece of freedom.

  The sun was bathing my skin, lulling me to take a nap. I could hear Gabe breathing calmly, sighing sometimes. We had played in the water nearly an hour. I ended up in his arms once, pressed against his hard chest my breath caught in my throat. We took a step back immediately and he fell under the water. I laughed aloud, trying to breaking the tension.

  I couldn’t deny being self-conscious around him, and the constant staring from others didn’t help either. Knowing the reason why he’s here changed something between us, or maybe it was because of what’s happening at home.

  “I can’t believe I’d ever say it, but today was nice,” I said, my eyes still closed.

  “You know, normally we say it when the day is over. Are you trying to get rid of me?” Leaning on his elbows, he looked at me. I opened my eyes and looked into his gray ones. I didn’t remember them being so dense.

  “Ha, ha, ha. I’ll never say something nice if you say some crap like that,” I said ruefully.

  “Oh, Lily,” he said in a sigh. “You know I’m joking. Open up a little.”

  “You’re such a clown. I’m dying of laughter.” I froze. Crap! I needed to learn when to shut my big mouth. I bit my lower lip and looked at the little space between our towels.

  “I didn’t mean to …” I began and fell into silence, not knowing what to say or how to say it. I didn’t know how to say sorry. I couldn’t say it. I just couldn’t.

  “It’s okay,” he said in a murmur, brushing his right cheek, which was now shaved.

  “No it’s not.”

  He put a hand under my chin and made eye contact with me. His breath was like sugar, Yummy. No, no I didn’t just think yummy.

  “It’s okay.”

  I released a big breath I was holding and saw goose bumps appearing on his arms. I backed away a little and cleared my throat. My hands were shaking. It’s not unusual when you’re nearly naked with a man, obviously not a boy anymore, in summer. Nothing to be alarmed about, even if we’re enemies. Well, maybe not anymore.

  “I’m starving, and you?” I said suddenly, breaking the silence with a shaky voice.

  “Yeah, let’s go grab something in town,” he answered in a husky voice. Why was he so hot? God, it’s unnerving! I stood up in a jump and tried to cover my curves with my arms. I was being ridiculous because he didn’t even glance at me.

  We were eating tacos—my other péché mignon—talking about Shakespeare. Shakespeare! I mean, Gabe was a jock! I discovered he loved Othello and I said that I was reading Much Ado About Nothing at the moment, again.

  “Yeah, I read it three years ago. Really different and quite fun, all the characters brought something to the play. A masterpiece of his art, but not well known.”

  “Exactly!” I approved enthusiastically, my voice high pitched. “Now I want to return to it. It’s crazy.”

  He laughed and shook his head. He must think I was a crazy freak.

  “You’re in the basketball team at college, right?” I asked him, still baffled to see how much he knew and enjoyed literature.

  “Yeah, but maybe not for too long. You think jocks can’t be into studies, right? It’s so cliché,” he said somberly.

  “What do you mean by not for too long? I thought you had a scholarship to play.” I was lost. Okay, his best friend died, but it’s not a reason to abandon a passion.

  “I can’t play anymore. I …” He smoothed a hand over his now dry hair. “I was playing outside the night Connor, my best friend, had his overdose.” Now I could understand, but it’s not a reason to stop playing. He’s not the kind to let something go.

  “You’ve got a hang up, but you can get over it.”

  “What if I don’t want to?” he replied softly. I drank my Coke before speaking.

  “You love to play, and you need the money for college. Playing must bring you horrible memories, but it’s not like you to not fight something like this.” He laughed bitterly, looking at the still-blue sky with no clouds in view.

  “Maybe now I’m a loser. After all, if I wasn’t playing a stupid game I would have been with him and he would still be alive.” Bullshit! Now it’s my turn to laugh bitterly. I put my still slightly damp hair in a tight ponytail.

  “Like it would change anything! Please, Gabe! Tell me you don’t really believe that,” I blurted out.

  “What?” he asked, taken aback with my sudden comeback. br />
  “He had a problem, a huge one. Even before you met him, he must have been a junkie. It was a matter of time before he would have overdosed. You playing or not wouldn’t have change anything. Imagine one thing. Maybe you would have stayed in your dorm with him to study for finals, but at one moment, you would have to leave the room to eat or buy something to drink. He would have had enough time to take the crap.”

  “You don’t know,” he said stubbornly, but thinking about what I just said.

  “You neither. You’re not the one to blame, and I’m not saying this because I’m an optimistic person,” I explained. He finished his Coke and looked far away, his eyes unfocused. His body was tense, every muscle visible under his shirt.

  “I found him, you know. I found him in his own puke on the ground. His eyes were wide open,” he mumbled. Crap! He was still in shock. It must be horrible. A chill ran down my spine.

  “I still get nightmares. Every night I smell puke and I see his face. I wake up grabbing for breath and I don’t want to sleep again.” What can I say to him? I was just a messed up high school girl who was barely able to manage her own crap.

  “Do your parents know about this?” I asked him in a low voice.

  “Yeah, the college called them when it happened. I wasn’t able to speak for a few hours.” I stretched my arm and put a hand over his. My fingers were small and very slim next to his. I felt delicate for the first time in my life. Startling me, he closed it over mine. He was shaking and freezing with fear.

  “I don’t know what to say, or do, you know?” I said with honesty, embarrassed to acknowledge my failure.

  “It’s funny because you’re the only one with whom I can talk about it.” He was looking at me, tightening his grip over my hand. My heart was hurting in my chest. He was suffering and it echoed through me.

  My phone rang, and I cursed under my breath. Gabe released my hand and cleared his throat. “Maybe it’s my brother,” he encouraged. I laughed slightly, shaking my head and taking my phone from my short’s pocket.

  “Like he’d call me now that everybody from high school saw us at the lake messing around,” I said. It was my father. My heart started beating hard. Did he call to organize a weekend for the two of us? Was I wrong thinking he was through with me, like with mom?