By My Side Read online

  “Who cares?” he said, his hand messing around with his hair. “This band sucks.”

  For once, I agreed with him, but I’d never say it aloud.

  “You want to play the moody loner?” I teased. He’s the only distraction I had to keep my eyes away from Andy’s table. My enemy was becoming an ally for now. He laughed with bitterness, his gray eyes dark with something unsaid. My curiosity was getting the better of me … fantastic!

  “I can see only one reason why you haven’t already run away from me; you had a fight with my little brother?” He turned on me.

  I made a face and this time he laughed with amusement. Loud, too loud. Andy was now looking at us. His soft mouth formed into a straight line. Goodbye to the constant little smile I always used to get.

  “He’s into you, you know,” Gabe added distractedly before finishing his vanilla ice cream.

  “Who?” I searched the shop for somebody crazy enough for wanting me as a girlfriend. My ex-boyfriends, only two, could tell stories of how I traumatized them with my sarcasm, mood swings, and constant bitterness.

  “You’re an idiot. My brother,” he replied, arching one of his eyebrows. Wow. I didn’t know alcohol could damage a brain so soon.

  “You’re really, really drunk if you think something like that,” I countered, shaking my head, my eyes locked with his. He leaned into me, his chest near my face. I could breathe in his scent. I felt so small and tiny, which was way bizarre.

  “Do you want to dare?” His voice was loud and clearly daring. During my childhood I couldn’t resist a dare. He knew it, because he took advantage of it back then.

  “It depends,” I answered cautiously, my voice more steady than I really felt.

  “Oh, Lily! I knew you would fall for that,” he stated in my ear, his breath sending chills across my neck. What the hell was that?

  “You’re a crazy ass. Andy is my best friend, nothing more.”

  He shook his head slightly, a new light in his eyes, a light of dare. Slowly, very slowly, he approached me. His right hand ended in my long, straight hair. He won’t do it, will he? No! Nevertheless, yes.

  With softness, in a light caress, his lips were on mine. Even before I could extricate myself, the kiss was already over. It was just a brush of lips, but I was flabbergasted. Gabe the dumbass just kissed me to prove a point about his brother.

  I turned my head to where he was sitting, and I could see his body tense. Now I could forget about reconciliation anytime soon. Facing Gabe again with my heart pounding hard in my chest, I saw him a little embarrassed. It’s about freakin’ time!

  “Your point is not proven,” I said coldly. I wanted to be acid, angry and kill him on the spot, but I stood calm. What was my problem? He was taken aback. He was waiting for a slap, and I really wanted to hit him, so what?

  “Hmm … He’s pissed,” he said, distracting me.

  “Because he hates you as much as I hate you,” I snapped at him. He looked me up and down, and shook his head.

  “Go kiss somebody else then,” he mocked.

  “Are you on drugs? For your info, I’m not a member of the slut club.”

  “Kissing is nothing, Lily,” he replied in a sigh, as if to imply that I’m a child.

  “Thanks to you my best friend hates me more than he hates you. This summer is starting out fantastic!”

  “Yeah, fantastic,” he said with bitterness. In silence, we listened the band that still sucked.

  I was getting into my car later that night when I heard steps behind me. Usually I was not a paranoid girl, but hearing someone coming from behind me—someone I couldn’t see—was a little frightening. Silently I prayed it wasn’t Gabe or a crazy rapist. Keys in hand like a weapon, as if it would be enough, I turned around. A little dizzy, I swallowed. When I saw who it was, I sighed.

  “You’re following me, Andy? Idiot, I thought it might be a serial killer or something!”

  Standing in front of me, I could tell he wasn’t exactly sorry, he was furious. Oh great, I hoped I’d have until morning before having to explain what happened with Gabe. I made a face and leaned against my car for support. This is going to be ugly.

  “And you, what did you do with him?” The truth was I didn’t know, but he’d never accept that explanation because it wasn’t one.

  “Oh God, Andy, give me a little credit. You know I despise him,” I replied, throwing my hand in the air to show resolve. He crossed his arms over his chest, and some curls of his brown hair were flying from the slight wind that was blowing.

  “So what happened?”

  “Listen, he was drunk. He still loathes me and I still hate him,” I replied, turning one of my silver rings around my index finger.

  “You’re saying he kissed you for fun? You, of all people?” Why couldn’t we just put this in a little box and push it far away from us? No, it would be too easy.

  “He wanted to make a point about something unbelievable and it wasn’t really a kiss. Now, stop it please.” I never say please. It wasn’t in my vocabulary. We both froze, staring at each other.

  “You know, I don’t understand you anymore,” he said, averting his eyes to the concrete ground. Then he turned and he left.

  I was standing on the sidewalk looking at him walking away. What did he mean? My breath caught in my throat. My eyes were burning from tears I didn’t want to set free. I will not cry. My breath was heavy and my head felt dizzy. Did I just lose my only real friend?

  “Hey,” said a voice from behind. Before I could answer, I felt a hand on my shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

  I smelled beer. Turning my head, I could only see a toned chest and broad shoulders. I didn’t want to see his face.

  “I’m alone now,” I replied, my voice breaking.

  “What are you talking about?” Gabe asked. If I wasn’t so in shock I would have registered the fear in his voice or the concern, but I was far away.

  “Andy,” I answered him in a murmur, my eyes finally locking with his. This time, the gray in his pupils weren’t cold. He frowned.

  “Impossible,” he countered with certainty.

  “Your theory was wrong. He said he doesn’t understand me anymore.” I didn’t know why I was telling him everything. Like he cared! He groaned. What’s with the bitterness?

  “Why do you think he is reacting like this? Now, will you hook up with him?” My breathing was slowing down, but I still felt bizarre standing next to Gabe and having a polite conversation.

  “He’s my best friend, or was,” I replied, a little lost.

  “So you’re not interested in him,” he observed, messing with his hair. Being alone at night with a boy was strange, but being with a man I hated was even stranger.

  “It’s none of your business, Gabe.” He held up his hands and took a step back. The chilly air was suddenly more intense.

  “It’s just …” he began with a sigh. “Forget it. See you, Saunders.”

  “Not at your parent’s house.”

  “So, somewhere else then.”

  It sounded almost like a date. At a loss for words, I let him leave. His steps were louder than usual because of the alcohol, or maybe something else, like a burden. I looked at the sky; the stars were shining like precious jewels. I suddenly felt even smaller.

  Chapter Three

  It’s been two days since the last time I saw Andy and Gabe. For the latter, I’m thankful, but about the first one …

  I remembered when I was in the hospital for my appendicitis at nine. He came every day, and on the first day gave me chocolate when nobody was looking. It was forbidden because of the anesthesia and I puked all over the bed thirty minutes later. Gabe was laughing about it, but Andy was paralyzed by fear. He was always there.

  It had only been two days, but they were two of the longest days of my life. In that time, I saw my father leaving the house for good after he flung the keys at my mom’s head. Now, instead of being at work she was in the dining room, moping and drinking some alc
ohol from our trendy bar with her lower lip swollen. My mom never drinks more than one glass of wine.

  Then there’s my father, who didn’t say goodbye or see you next weekend, and went with his mistress to his new flat. For once, it’s not my words, but my mother’s. She told me this when I was keeping her hair away from her sweaty face in the bathroom where she threw up.

  Is this how my life will be? Now I really have reasons to be sarcastic. I wanted to go to Andy’s house, but I didn’t have anything new to tell him about Gabe. Also, I didn’t want to think about the possibility of Andy in love with me. It might be too strange. Yes, he was jealous, but it’s because I was his best friend who knew nearly everything about him and his life. I want to keep him in a special place in my heart. Our friendship is like that.

  A glass broke. I couldn’t even count how many these past two days she had broken. I sighed, rubbing my temples, but the headache didn’t leave. I stood up and looked at my bedroom. Everything felt different. I went downstairs to find her on the ground. I stood in the entrance of the room. The TV was blasting some crap, but all I heard was my heart beating in my ears and in my head.

  “Instead of looking at me, help me up on the couch,” she ordered, her tongue coated and the words thick. I tugged her onto the couch, my shoes trudging on the broken glass. She didn’t thank me, but she took her gin bottle and gulped. Pathetic, and frightening. It was night, but quite early and I couldn’t stand more of this crap right now. I went into the kitchen to find something to tidy the mess. I needed to escape for one hour. Just one hour.

  McCullough’s Lake was a funny name for the little lake because nobody knew anyone with that name. However, the place was public property. All year long teenagers went there to party, drink, and hook up. When it’s quiet, it’s beautiful. The sky was reflected in the water and dark trees surrounded the place. Tree branches lapping the water is a marvelous sound, but when there’s a party with a bonfire and hundreds of people laughing and dancing to loud music, it doesn’t have the same effect at all.

  I didn’t want to see anybody, so when I saw a bunch of kids from my school and some from college were here having a lowdown, I knew this wasn’t a good idea. Nevertheless, I stood, facing the lake and lost in thought. Andy must be here, somewhere. Earlier I wanted to speak to him, to see him, but not now. What will I tell him? Not about Gabe, but about my parents? Their fights were normal for a divorce, but this … Besides, I didn’t want his pity for an excuse to speak to each other again. I was not that kind of girl.

  A latent fear was running through me. What if my mother injured herself when she hit the floor? What if a neighbor saw her in this state? A lot of “ifs” were buzzing in my head. I was exhausted. I pushed a stone with my shoe—still in my All Stars, but black this time—and watched as the little thing disappeared into the dark water.

  “I thought you wouldn’t come,” said a male voice I recognized instantly.

  “Was it at college that you learned how to walk furtively?” I mumbled, still facing the lake.

  He came to stand next to me. His left arm was nearly touching mine, my arm warming up from his closeness. I was uncomfortable even if he seemed sober this time. I knew he wouldn’t kiss me again, but I was out of attacks right now and it’s not my normal state.

  “Actually, yes.” Seeing my look of disbelief, he chuckled slightly as he ran a hand through his hair.

  “I’m a night owl and the dorm isn’t well-soundproofed,” he continued.

  “You mean you’re a party goer.”

  “No, I mean a night owl,” he affirmed with authority. Frowning, he faced me, arms crossed over his massive chest. He was huge. I turned to him, looking up to see his face unshaved since the last time I saw him. The light brown stubble was sexy. Okay, next stop a psychiatrist.

  “Fine,” I replied with a hint in my voice.

  “What’s going on?” he prodded. I turned slightly to the bonfire and saw Andy laughing with Will, one of his teammates. He didn’t seem to miss me. Perfect!

  “Nothing new,” I finally answered, looking in Gabe’s eyes. The gray was dark in the night.

  “I wasn’t speaking about you and him,” he responded. What? Calm down, Lily. His parents must have said something about the divorce. Nobody else knew about it. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the confession.

  “My parents are getting a divorce. Why do you care anyway?” I threw back at him. Now it’s his turn to be uncomfortable. Good. I’ve got the power over the conversation. Change of subject!

  “Oh, Gabe, don’t tell me I’m such a good kisser that you forgot you hate me.”

  He laughed and gave me a goofy grin. Now that I thought about it, it’s the first time I saw it. A long time ago it was his trademark that caused every girl to melt. Not me, but now I was more relaxed. Without my consent, I smiled back.

  “I was a mess.” He couldn’t say sorry either. I couldn’t blame him for that without being a hypocrite.

  “Oh, yeah, so the next time you’re drunk I’ll hit you to prevent any more kisses,” I continued. He shook his head and laughed more. I didn’t know I was so funny.

  “I’ll remember that, but tonight there’s no risk,” he replied with a move of his hand to point to the parking area where his car must have been parked.

  We were silent, listening to the scream of some girls in the water with boys messing with them. Ridiculous bunch of people.

  “Where are your friends?” I asked Gabe, suddenly conscious he was still here with me. Even if he went to college in New York with none of his friends from high school, I was sure they were still falling at his feet.

  “Some are catching up for lost time in a car or in the woods, some are drunk, and some are over there,” he said, gesturing to the party absentmindedly. Maybe I wasn’t precise enough. “So, what’s going on?” he asked me again, his left arm brushing mine. The contact was curiously comforting, and a little electrifying.

  “Like you’re interested,” I mumbled like an idiot. Now he knew there’s really something wrong other than the divorce.

  “You’re a crazy snob, Lily, and sometimes you’re something else, but since you came here tonight I could see you were out of it.”

  “Like I ever was a party goer?” I smiled weakly. Even my best friend didn’t see it, or wasn’t interested. How could my enemy become my confidant? It was so much easier before between Gabe and me. How do I react to this?

  “You know I won’t let it go. When we were kids I never let down an occasion to mess with you.” He laughed when he saw my killer look.

  “Dumbass!” I said, lacking the energy I usually felt when I insult him. He frowned again. I’ll always lose against him.

  “My dad left the house to run into his mistress’ arms and now my mom is a real mess at home.”

  “And? I can see there’s something else.”

  “I thought your major was law, not Psychology,” I replied angrily, putting my hair in a loose bun to do something with my trembling hands.

  “I’m majoring in Literature, if you want to know,” he replied proudly. I was baffled, a literature major? Has he even read more than one book ever? Unbelievable, he was doing what I dream of doing, in the city and college of my dreams.

  “I’m waiting, you know. I’m free of curfew, but you …” he mocked me. Like my mother would notice.

  “Me too,” I replied. He brushed his stubble, thinking about what I just said.

  “How bad is your mom?” he finally asked in a soft voice I nearly didn’t recognize. I was prisoner of his intense look. A chill ran down my spine.

  “Difficult to say, it will pass.” My heart was as crazy as my breathing. I will not cry. I wasn’t a crying girl.

  “Is she drunk?” he asked me with no other move than his lips when he talked. Startled, I took two steps back before he caught me and brought me to him. We collided.

  “How do you know?” Only the fear made me ask.

  “Your mother was really strict abou
t curfew two years ago, and I didn’t think she’d change her mind before you graduated and left for college. Also, if she were only crying you would not be as tense as you are. More sarcastic, but not like this,” he stated. I shook my head and looked at the ground.

  “How can you know me so well?” I asked, shocked that he did.

  “Because I’ve known you as long as my brother has. I left two years ago, but I know you thanks to our fights.”

  It’s true. We weren’t friends, but I knew him that well, too. I know he preferred his coffee black with no sugar, like me. I know who his first kiss was; one of my cousins from California. I know he’s a perfectionist, and more than anything else, I know something’s wrong in his life.

  “Why are you here? I mean, for the summer.”

  “I wanted to see my family.” He was tense and it was a bunch of crap. Is it hurt I see in his eyes?

  “Gabe, the truth.”

  He sighed, bent down, and grabbed a stone. He stared at it in his large hand and hurled it into the water. I couldn’t see where it went, but I heard the slight splash it made as it hit.

  “My best friend, who was also my dorm mate, died of an overdose in May.”

  His voice broke in a sob. He groaned angrily and messed his hair with both hands. One tear ran down his face and fell on his black Nirvana T-shirt.

  “An overdose?” Wow.

  “Yeah.” He sighed and looked at my face. “I didn’t know it was that bad. Or maybe I did.” He shook his head and looked at the sky, where clouds had begun to appear.

  “It’s not because he was your roommate and best friend, you had to know something like that would happen. You didn’t feed him the drugs; he did it out of his own free will,” I said with sincerity, knowing Gabe had only one joint in his life. I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it softly.

  “How could you know?” His voice was barely a murmur, but I heard it despite the loud music.

  “Like you said about me, I know you. You’re against drugs and you wouldn’t leave a friend.”

  “But you hate me,” he pointed out, distractedly.