We Shouldn't and Yet... Read online

  “I’m glad you’re here. I would have liked to let you and Dad know about Jensen another way, though.’’ I chuckle self-consciously and glance at Jensen who’s trying to keep his chuckle under control. I swiftly bump my shoulder against his and he groans. “Shit! Are you okay?’’

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.’’ He cringes and brings a hand to his ribs. “The painkillers are starting to ebb off.’’

  “What happened?’’ My mother butts in, her eyebrows furrowing.

  “He had a bike accident yesterday. A truck changed lanes in front of him and Jensen busted a few ribs and he has a concussion.’’

  “A mild concussion, beautiful. I’m fine.’’

  “You could have died.’’

  He sighs and kisses my forehead, but his eyes are on my lips. I know exactly where he’d prefer to kiss me, but he’s trying to be considerate in front of my mother. But his intentions are pretty transparent.

  “I hope you’re not going to ride a bike again. Or that you’re not going to take Aideen with you. Bikes are very dangerous.’’

  Jensen’s head jerks back to my mother and he nods quickly, far too quickly to be natural or true. I hide my growing smile behind my hand. “Of course not ma’am.’’

  I’m sweating cold just thinking of him back on a bike because that close call really did a number on me, but I also know he loves riding a bike. It’s an escape for him and if he needs it, I shouldn’t push him into abandoning it. And the last memory I have of us going for a ride together is far too hot and thrilling to not want a repeat of that night.

  “Good.’’ She nods and her cellphone starts ringing, playing an old jazz song my mother and father love. She smiles softly and excuses herself, saying that it’s Dad. She walks to the kitchen a few feet away. There’s not much in the way of privacy in my small apartment.

  “Does she hate me or what?’’ Jensen asks me immediately, his voice lowered for only my ears.

  “No. In fact, I think she finds you quite attractive. It swayed her a little bit.’’

  He frowns at me. “Be serious, beautiful. You have no idea how uneasy I am right now. Fuck, the last time I met someone’s parents I was still in high school.’’

  I chuckle and kiss his cheek. “Good thing you’ve kept the swearing to a minimum in front of her.’’

  “I don’t get why you find this funny.’’ He runs a hand through his beard and scowls.

  “Maybe because for the first time we’re able to be open about what is going on between us. We’re not hiding, we’re not ashamed, but we’re ready to fight for us and build something.’’

  His face immediately relaxes. His eyes go to my lips and I feel them tingle. I glance at my mother in the kitchen, but her eyes are firmly trained on us as she’s still talking to my father in the phone. I don’t think she’s ready to see me kiss Jensen. I sigh and instead lean my head against his shoulder.

  “Do you think I should tell Hal now? I mean, your parents know and we agreed to keep it to ourselves for a little while longer, but I don’t want to. You’re my girl, and I want to be able to do things with you.’’

  “Things?’’

  He laughs and cringes at the same time, keeping a hand on his ribcage. “Fuck. Don’t make me laugh and get your mind out of the gutter. When you have that look I get hard and I don’t think it’s a good idea in front of your mother.’’

  “I couldn’t help it. It was too easy.’’ I bring his big hand to my thigh. His fingers immediately wrap around it, firmly enough to remind me how powerful and intense he is when he touches me. A hot wave rises in my stomach. “You’re right, though. I want to be able to go out with you without being scared that someone we know is going to see us together. I’m afraid, though.’’

  “I know, I am too.’’ He shakes his head. “I don’t know how he’s going to react. I lied to him just yesterday. I lied about us and now…’’

  “Do you want me there? Maybe we should be together to tell him.’’

  “He’s my son. I’m the one who knowingly betrayed him and his trust. I should be the one telling him and getting his anger.’’

  “I don’t want him to hate us you know.’’

  “He’s a great guy. That hate won’t stay. I hope at some point he’ll understand and accept.’’

  “He will understand when he finds someone to love, but that doesn’t mean he’ll accept our relationship. And with the anniversary of his mother’s death approaching…’’ I shake my head. “We couldn’t have worse timing.’’

  “Do you think we should wait after he comes back from visiting his grandparents?’’

  “I don’t know. It’s not like I’m used to this.’’

  “You shouldn’t, and that’s my own two cents thrown in,’’ my mother butts in suddenly from behind us.

  We both stand up and turn toward her, Jensen cringing more and more now that the painkillers don’t have much of an effect and after the workout he’s had, I’m surprised he’s still standing.

  “If you two wait any longer it’ll be even more difficult. There will never be the perfect time to say something like this. There will never be an easy way to say it either. Honesty is not easy.’’

  Jensen and I share a long sad look, but underneath it all, there’s hope in his eyes, something I’ve not seen often in him. He pulls me in for a hug and whispers close to my ear, his lips brushing against my neck, his beard tingling my sensitive skin. “I’m going now. Stay with your mom and I’ll call you later. I promise you that I’ll do everything I can to make things right. Just give him time and Hal will come back for you, beautiful.’’

  I nod against him and run my fingers in his growing hair. He shivers against me and takes a deep breath as if sniffing me. I feel a blush creep in on my face. “I love you, Jensen.’’

  He softly growls. “I love you so fucking much, Aideen. We’re in this together. All the way.’’

  “All the way.’’

  He pulls back, kisses my forehead and then turns to my mother who is looking at us with a tiny smile. Her eyes are oddly bright. He rounds the couch and shakes her hand.

  “Thank you for your understanding, ma’am. I hope to spend more time with you and meet your husband. I’d like to get to know you both.’’

  “You should come home for a weekend with Aideen. Unless it’d be too difficult with your work.’’

  “I can arrange something. I just need a couple of weeks notice.’’

  My heart is melting in my chest. My mother is truly making an effort and Jensen… Jensen is perfect even though it’s obvious he’s out of his depth. He keeps fidgeting, looking back at me as if seeking my consent. It’s cute which only adds to his sex appeal. Not that he needs anymore, but I’m discovering that this man is my weakness. I don’t really mind right now.

  My mother and I watch him leave and I let out a very girly sigh that has my mother chuckling at me. “How did I miss this the other day? I’ve never seen you like this.’’

  I shrug and go back to the couch with my mother on my heels. “I don’t know. Maybe you weren’t ready to see that I’m moving on.’’

  “I’m glad you did.’’ She puts her cellphone on the coffee table next to the bag full of uneaten tacos. Her eyebrows furrow, but she doesn’t comment on them. “You grew up too fast. At the time I didn’t know it was because of Yann and what happened to him.’’

  “You couldn’t have known. Nobody knew and he wouldn’t talk to me. I…I started to put some pieces together once we started dating.’’

  “Did Yann have an issue with intimacy?’’

  I look away, uncomfortable. Not only is it uncomfortable to basically talk about my sex life with my mother, but it’s also uncomfortable when your boyfriend, the guy you thought you’d grow old with is not here anymore. I nod. “He felt bad for enjoying some things. He was also never really engaging, you know. I’ve never been able to…to…’’

  “Let go and be yourself.’’

  I nod again. “With
Jensen it’s completely different. He forces me to open up completely and…’’ I sigh, a blush spreading fast all over my face. “At first I thought it was only physical, that since I was discovering how it’s supposed to feel I was obsessed by him since he was the one there for it.’’

  “But it’s more than that.’’ She grabs my hand and pats it. “I was afraid you were confusing sexual attraction and mixing it with grief. I didn’t think it ran deeper. You’re strong, though. A lot stronger than most of us and I should have kept that in mind instead of pushing you to break it off with Jensen. I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive.’’

  “I know you had my best at heart, Mom. I was confused with this relationship too.’’

  “Your father told me that we’ve been hasty when you left that weekend. He thought that there was something different about you. He’s always been more attuned with you than I am, I’m afraid.’’

  “Are you—are you still mad at me for being with Jensen?’’

  She puffs out some air, and shakes her head. Her frown deepens slightly, carving more deeply in her small wrinkles. “I’m not mad. I’m afraid that you two are on different paths. He’s older than you and maybe you two will want different things in life and expect different things out of this relationship at some point. For example, marriage and kids.’’ She pats my hand again. “What if he doesn’t want to marry and have another child considering what happened with Hal? Or what if the age gap becomes a problem?’’

  “We’re just starting, Mom. It’s…’’

  “I know, believe me, I know. It’s too soon, but as your mother it’s normal I think of these things. I don’t want you to give up on a lot of things to be with a man, even if that man is good to you and you’re in love. Do you understand?’’

  “I do, but you never know going in a relationship how it’s going to be. For all we know we’ll split in a few months, maybe in a few years or never. All I care about is here and now. And I truly see myself with that man for a while. I want that. We’ll have the big talks later on in our relationship. No need to scare him off right away.’’ I shiver at the thought of marriage and kids. It’s not that I wouldn’t want that with him. Damn, I’d love everything with him, but I’m young, way too young. I don’t see myself getting there so soon. In fact, it scares me a little just mentioning it with my mother, so a man like Jensen who is only truly discovering the meaning of a committed relationship at thirty-eight years old… I can only imagine what it’d do to him, the marriage and babies talk.

  “I guess I’m just being an overprotective mother.’’ She slides closer to me on the couch and wraps an arm around my shoulders. “I don’t want to see you hurt again. I feel bad enough for not being there for you because of my own pain.’’

  “I understand.’’

  “That I know.’’ She kisses my temple and I close my eyes. My mother is truly back and making an effort. Her grief isn’t weighing between us anymore and I don’t have to be strong and mature. I can be her daughter, lost and in love again, afraid to make someone else suffer just because she’s in love with the “wrong’’ person. “I’m still sorry for holding myself up in my own pain without realizing that you were going through so much. I knew but…’’

  “But you had too much on your plate to step up. I get it, Mom. Stop.’’

  “You’re a wonderful young woman, and I’m not saying that because you’re my daughter.’’

  “Really?’’ I arch an eyebrow at her in disbelief.

  “Maybe I’m a little biased, but I’m sure that if you ask Jensen he’d agree with me.’’

  I roll my eyes and smile more widely. “As if he wouldn’t be biased either.’’ I glance at the time on my mother’s watch and nibble on my lip. “He must be back home now. He shouldn’t be doing this on his own.’’

  “Hal is his son. He has to be the one to talk to him. It’s not going to be pleasant, no matter how you look at it.’’ She squeezes me tighter against her side and I let my head fall on her shoulder. It’s been a while since she was the one comforting me. The past year, I was the one taking that role. It’s good to be back in her arms now. It warms my fast beating heart. “In time it’ll fall back into place.’’

  “What if Jensen decides to break up to spare Hal?’’

  “It won’t happen, honey. That man is too wrapped up in you. He’s risking a lot to be with you, so don’t start and doubt him now.’’

  “I can’t tell you enough how much I hate that we’re going to make Hal suffer. What a mess.’’

  “Ah…Love can be messy.’’

  “Life too.’’

  She nods, her chin rubbing against the top of my head. “That too, but it’s all worth it, don’t you think?’’

  “Some people don’t think so.’’

  “Honey, Yann had too much going on. You couldn’t have prevented his suicide and he couldn’t call out for help. He was snatched from childhood in the worst way. We’re lucky to have had him for so long. You need to let him go and let the circumstance of his death go. It’s not your fault.’’

  “It’s still hard. I miss him.’’

  “I know. We all miss him. We’ll most definitely always will, just like we’ll always miss my brother. But it’s okay to miss them.’’

  JENSEN

  “Hey, where were you? I went to buy some groceries and you were gone,’’ Hal greets me with a booming voice, a smile on his face as he turns down the volume of the TV. I swallow and dry my clammy hands on my jeans, shaking from my head to my fucking toes.

  I close the door and drop my keys on the bench where I used to put my helmet. Now that we’re both here and I’m about to drop the bomb that will destroy—hopefully temporarily—the budding relationship we worked on for the past few months, it’s hard. It’s actually breaking my fucking heart knowing that he’s going to hate my guts. I deserve it, I know it, but it’s still hard to put the final nail in the coffin.

  “I was…’’ I clear my throat and slowly walk to the couch, ready to sit next to him, close enough to give him the opportunity to swing my way if he feels like it.

  “What’s going on?’’ His smile drops. His eyes narrow on me. “You need your pills?’’

  I shake my head. I don’t want to have this talk high as a kite on some stupid painkillers. Afterward, though…

  “It can wait, I need to tell you something first.’’

  “I’m not going to like it, am I?’’

  I shake my head and close my hands into tight fists over my thighs. I calm my breathing and lock eyes with him. “I’ve lied to you.’’

  “About what?’’ He stiffens and his eyes darken, murderously so. He knows. He fucking knows already, but he doesn’t want to hear me say it. I don’t want to say this either, but I’m an adult. I have to face the consequences.

  “About—about Aideen and I.’’

  He loses the little color he has left in his face. He turns away from me and gets to his feet, his breathing hard. Fuck.

  “Hal—‘’

  “Shut the fuck up, Jensen!’’ he roars.

  I clamp my teeth and face my son head on because he deserves the truth, and my relationship with Aideen isn’t something ugly or shameful. It’s messy, and it guts me knowing I’m hurting Hal, but I can’t turn off my feelings for Aideen. And I honestly don’t want to. “I’m sorry.’’

  “You’re sorry, huh?’’ He laughs darkly. “Right. You knew I had feelings for her and yet you…’’

  “I know.’’

  “Is she your new sex toy then? A shiny new thing to have fun with now that Cassie isn’t so shiny and new anymore?’’

  I stand up and bring a hand to my ribs, but I don’t take it easy. I point at my son’s face. “Don’t fucking say something like that about Aideen. You have an issue? Take it out with me, I deserve it.’’

  “That’s right, you deserve it.’’ He shakes his head at me, his eyes as hard as I’ve ever seen them. It sucker punches me right in the chest. It goddamn hu
rts, but I take it. “I knew you were just a fucked up father, far from any father figure, but that’s a new low. Did you tell her that I have feelings for her? I’m sure you had your fun with it.’’

  “You’re right, I’m fucked up, but not enough to get off on hurting you and going behind your back. And of course I didn’t tell her that you have a thing for her.’’

  “But she knows. She fucking knows.’’ He takes fistfuls of his hair. “That’s why she went out of her way to tell me she’s not looking for someone to be with. She lied to me. I bet you were already fucking her.’’

  I shake my head, nauseous now. I’m ready to puke. I’m that disgusted with myself. Why did I have to fall for Aideen? If I hadn’t drunk that one time and I didn't let out how fucking impossible it was for me to ignore how much I wanted her, then maybe we wouldn’t be in that mess because I’m pretty sure she would have never acted on her attraction to me. But I love her…I love her. It’s impossible for me to regret what I have with her.

  “I love her, Hal,’’ I mumble somberly, head down between my shoulders. “You need to know this. I love her. It’s not just—‘’

  “Love! Great, now you love her.’’ He tugs on his hair. “Next you’re going to tell me she’s going to be my new mom.’’ He shakes his head and lets his arms fall down along his sides. “I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.’’

  “We were both afraid and didn’t want to hurt you.’’

  “How long have you two been fucking behind my back?’’ He narrows his eyes on me again. “How long?’’

  I look away, unable to fucking hold his gaze. “A while.’’

  “I can’t do this. You two disgust me. I can’t believe she’s fucking you.’’ He grimaces and looks me up and down. “Now I finally understand why my mother kept me away from you. You’re not worth a damn cent, Jensen. You’re a fucked up drunk who destroys everything around him. Congratulations! You have one less person in your life and soon enough Aideen will open her eyes and see you for who you are.’’

  I stay frozen there, hurting a lot more than the consequences of my crash yesterday. He grabs his keys from the coffee table, puts on his shoes and leaves without a look back. I had a son and I’ve lost him. Until now, I never realized how much he means to me. Now, I already feel a hollow place in my chest, right where he was. He’s right, I fuck up everything, destroy people and I’m a fuck up. I’ve lost him. He’s been the one reaching out to me in the first place, trying to connect with me when I know he’s still struggling with his mother’s death. I’ve never been there for him and now…