We Shouldn't and Yet... Read online

  “Grab a condom, beautiful. Now.’’ His voice is husky, dark and strained. He puts a hand in my hair tugging me toward him until we kiss deeply. I finally locate a condom and snatch it, breaking the kiss only when it becomes urgent that he sheaths his cock. He takes it and I pull away to let him take care of it. As soon as he’s covered he grabs my hips and pulls me back, cringing when his ribs protest. I shake my head at him, but I forget everything when he brings a hand right between my thighs. When his finger touches my clit I whimper, moving my hips to feel his finger moving down and inside me. But he doesn’t. He keeps circling my clit rendered slippery from my own wetness. My breath comes out in a staggering mess, sweat starts coating my skin and I keep moving in time with his finger.

  “Jensen, I need more.’’

  “Me too. You’re perfect. I love the sounds you make.’’ He’s out of breath too.

  He pushes two fingers inside me and I stop moving, moaning his name when he stretches me. He growls too and keeps his eyes down to where his fingers disappear inside me, to come out glistening.

  “I can’t take that any longer.’’ He pulls out his fingers and grabs the base of his thick cock, jerking once, twice with quick movements. His hips move, thrusting into his hand, his abs straining. He positions himself at my pussy. “Now, come down slow and good, beautiful.’’

  I smile at him when I feel his tip slipping at my entrance, going in easily. But instead of listening to him, when he releases his cock, I go down hard in one move until he’s fully inside me. I moan out but it’s lost to Jensen’s loud groan. He tenses all over, his fingers digging into my ass cheeks.

  “You’re going to make me come if you keep that up.’’

  I pull back slowly, feeling every inch of him. “Good.’’ I thrust again, taking him in and feeling the burn of me stretching turning into hot waves of pleasure. I’ve missed him so much. So, so much.

  He growls and the small muscle in his jaw ticks under his beard. The muscles in his arms bulge as he restrains himself. His hips circle softly, hitting a part inside of me that has my eyes closing without my consent. “Do that again,’’ I beg in a whimper.

  “Fuck, fuck.’’ He makes a small circle motion again and again. I clench tightly around him. “Shit, Aideen. Yeah, again. Again!’’

  I clench around him several times and start thrusting again, increasing my speed when I feel myself getting closer and closer. His breathing becomes harder, in sync with my own. We’re both slippery, the sweat permeating us. With hooded eyes I battle to not close them. I need to keep looking at him, to see his eyes looking where we’re joined, see him looking at my breasts moving at my every thrust. I also need to see how his mouth becomes slack, how I can barely see the flush taking over his cheeks, how his eyes become glassy. I need to see everything that’s him in that moment.

  “I’m close,’’ I breathe out.

  He nods and urges me on with his big hands on my ass. “Faster, beautiful.’’ He hisses and moans. “I’m fucking close too.’’

  He moves his hips harder under me. I follow his lead, thrusting harder, faster until it becomes impossible to feel anything other than his cock deep inside me, the way it awakens hot waves of pleasure inside me. Sweat falls down my neck and loses itself between my breasts. Jensen’s chest is shiny from his own exertion and it’s the most perfect view I have of him.

  He closes his eyes, frowns and groans. His cock twitches inside me and that’s my undoing, knowing he’s so close, that he’s trying to wait for me to come. I throw my head back and buck into him, wildly, out of sync, balling the sheets in my hands. I clench hard, and harder still around him as I cry out in a pleasure so intense black spots appear in front of me.

  “Fuck, fuck! Aideen!’’

  He thrusts hard from under me. His abs ripple, his arms and neck cord. His fingers dig deep into my ass cheeks and I milk him until we both can’t take it anymore. I whimper and meet his eyes now open again. His face is sweaty and flushed. His eyes are still glassy as if he’s not fully back from his orgasm. I must look the same. I don’t even feel my legs anymore. I pull away and lay next to him on my side, a hand on his flat stomach as he takes care of the condom. He grabs my hand, kisses it and goes to the bathroom slowly. He comes back almost immediately and his eyes drink me in. His little smirk comes back and I want to giggle in a giddy happiness I’m not used to. Everything in me is light and bright. Nothing else matters for now and it’s a relief. I’ve never felt this way before.

  He lays back down and immediately gathers me in his arms, plastering me to his hot body. “I’ve missed you so fucking much, beautiful, but keep in mind that it’s not just for the sex.’’

  “But it’s good sex.’’

  “Are you bullshitting me?’’ He takes a hold of my hair and tugs until I tilt my head upward. My nipples tighten at the move. “The sex is amazing, not just good.’’

  “Pardon me for the offense!’’ I playfully pinch his rock hard abs and it’s a big failure. I arch an eyebrow at the muscles.

  “They’re not just to look pretty.’’

  I lick my lips and lock eyes with him. “Yet, they do look pretty.’’

  He chuckles and kisses me deeply. It’s slow, but his tongue explores me, mingling with my own tongue in a way that leaves me breathless when he breaks it. “The ladies love them.’’

  “Yeah well, from now on they’re only for me.’’

  He runs his thumb over my lips, his eyes following the caress. “All of me is only for you, beautiful. The good, the bad and the fucked up.’’

  “Jensen—‘’

  A knock at the door startles us both. I swallow loudly and risk a panicked look at Jensen. He’s as white as the sheets on my bed. “Do you think it’s…’’ I don’t finish my sentence. But he knows who I’m talking about. If it’s Hal on the other side of my apartment door, I don’t know how we’re going to cover this. The person knocks again.

  “I don’t think so. He had things to do, but I’ll stay in your bedroom.’’

  I nod and quickly stand up. I grab my bathrobe and quickly pad to the door. My heart is beating loud and fast. A world of thoughts is rushing through my mind, stressing me out even more. I glance at the living room and don’t see a hint of Jensen’s presence. I tighten the belt around me, run my fingers in my hair to tame it as best I can and finally I open the door. And gape.

  “Mom?’’ I blink and keep gaping at her.

  She smiles at me and hugs me. I belatedly wrap my arms around her. She tucks a few strands behind my ear and glances down at my outfit. “Were you napping, honey? I’m sorry to come like this, but I wanted to surprise you.’’

  I let her in and nervously glance at my closed bedroom door. It’s bad. Really, really bad. Damn, I’m over six hours from my parents and even that long distance doesn’t protect me apparently. I nibble on my lip and let her in my small living room. She peruses everything quickly and nods, apparently satisfied with my living arrangement. I don’t think she’d be as satisfied if she knew about the very naked man in my bed right now.

  “Is there something wrong back home? I mean…’’ I trail off and clear my throat nervously. I watch helplessly as she sits on the couch, obviously not ready to move any time soon.

  “No, it’s fine, but I wanted to see you and your father told me I should come and see you instead of always asking for you to drive all the way. I’m not working right now so I have time.’’

  “You’re fine, then?’’

  She shrugs and sighs, sadness and tiredness peaking again. “I’m getting there. The therapy is helping a lot. I miss your uncle, but it doesn’t hurt the same way anymore.’’

  I fidget and nod, playing with the belt of my robe, feeling very self-conscious considering it’s the middle of the afternoon, I’m basically naked and Jensen is still in. My. Room. “That’s good. Really good.’’

  She frowns at me. “Is there something wrong, honey? You look…nervous.’’

  A nervous giggle
escapes me and my whole face starts to burn up. I hide my face in my hands and groan. “I’m fine.’’

  I hear my mother clear her throat then, the exact same way I often do when I’m uncomfortable. Oh shit. “I interrupted something, didn’t I?’’

  I cross my arms over my chest and shake my head, a grimace twisting my mouth. “Not really.’’

  She stands up abruptly, eyes huge and a pink hue on her face. “Is there a man in your room?’’ she whispers. At my reluctant nod she gasps and her eyes widen.

  “I’ll make him leave. Just…’’ I walk backward and gesture to the couch. “Just stay here. It’ll take a minute.’’

  “No, honey, wait. I’d like to meet this man. I suppose it’s the same man you’ve told us about.’’

  “We broke it off, but…’’

  “But you’re back together.’’ She sighs and shakes her head at me, disappointment back clear as day on her face. It’s the same look she gave me a couple of weeks ago back home.

  “We’ll talk about this later. Let me…Just give me a minute. I don’t think meeting him is a good idea now.’’

  “I’m going to see him when he’s—‘’

  The door behind me, the door of my bedroom, opens and I feel myself visibly cringe. My mother’s sentence never ends and her mouth stays open as her eyes travel up and down right past me. I glance over my shoulder and meet Jensen’s eyes. He’s back in his clothes. Even his shoes are on. He keeps a hand over his cracked ribs and offers me a reassuring smile.

  “Good afternoon, Mrs. O’Leary. It’s nice to meet you,’’ he says and walks to her, offering her his big hand to shake. After a beat, she shakes his hand silently, her eyes now back on me.

  Having my mother, Jensen and me in the same room is pretty much the most awkward thing ever. More so when it’s obvious what Jensen and I did just before she knocked at my door. My cheeks blaze harder and I bring a hand to my face. The heat sears my finger.

  “It’s…nice to meet you too,’’ she replies with a slight hesitation that belies her true feelings regarding mine and Jensen’s relationship. It’d be difficult to be any clearer.

  He nods and rubs at his bearded cheek. I’d love to know what’s on his mind right now because I’m drawing a blank here. I don’t know the procedure when your new and unconventional boyfriend meets your mother.

  “Well, I’m sure Jensen has things to do so—‘’

  “I don’t,’’ he cuts me off and smiles a panty dropping smile that leaves me aching for him and my mother momentarily blindsided.

  “Jensen.’’

  “Beautiful?’’ He chuckles at me and walks back to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and kisses my temple. “Relax. I’m not going to mess it up,’’ he whispers in my ear, his beard brushing the shell of my ear deliciously.

  I tilt my head upward and lock eyes with him. His are shining bright, happy. I can’t help a smile to take form. I glance quickly at my mother and gingerly bring a hand on his back. “You can’t mess up anything.’’ I rest my head a second on his shoulder and straighten up. I pull back and grab his hand to lead him back to the couch.

  My mother keeps her eyes on us, not missing a thing as if this is the most interesting thing to witness. Once we’re seated she goes to the armchair and crosses her legs, her hands relaxing on her thigh. “I’m sorry I barged in.’’ She twists her thin watch on her wrist, the same watch my uncle gave her his last Christmas. “I wasn’t expecting to meet you under these circumstances.’’

  Jensen’s hand tenses around mine. “I believe you weren’t expecting to meet me at all.’’

  I tense at that and watch my mother closely who doesn’t look offended. If anything, I believe I see a hint of appreciation for Jensen’s brutal honesty.

  “I’m worried for my daughter’s well-being and for her future. I don’t know if you realize how your choices affect others, Mr.?’’

  “Lagger. Jensen Lagger. Believe me, I know we’re treading on a thin line. Me more than Aideen, but I’m in love with your daughter. It’s not a fact of me being older and taking advantage of her.’’

  I risk a glance her way again and her eyes are already on mine. “Do you love him too?’’

  I nibble on my lip and nod. “Yes. I’m happy when I’m with him. You should want this for me after everything.’’

  She sighs and rubs at her temple. Lines of distress mar her face. “I want you happy, Aideen. I also want you to not have regrets later. I know you care about Hal and this…situation isn’t going to help anything.’’

  “This situation is called a relationship, Mom.’’ I narrow my eyes at her. “The funny thing is I’ve never felt something like this when I was with Yann. I was always walking on eggshells, always weighing my words and actions. Always. Do you even know how taxing that is?’’

  “You shouldn’t compare two very different relationships.’’

  “I’m not, I’m trying to make you understand and open your eyes.’’ I glance at Jensen and he’s frowning. I can see in his eyes that he’s afraid I’m going to let him go again. But I’m not. Not this time. “With Jensen I’m a real woman, I’m a friend, I’m an equal and I know that I can crumble if I need to. He’s there for me. Mom, I’ve never felt something so powerful, so intense in my life. I’m not going to let it go again and I can’t regret giving us a shot when it feels so right. I know it’s not an easy choice and I know it’ll probably cost me my friendship with Hal, but I don’t want to hurt like I did for the last two weeks and when I’m with Jensen the pain is gone.’’

  My mother looks away, but quickly fixes her eyes on Jensen who has his arm around me again, pulling me against him until there’s not even a sliver of space between us. I revel in his strong body and warmth.

  “Hal is your son. I know that you didn’t know about him and I’m sure the relationship between you and him isn’t one like father and son as we commonly think, but he’s still your son. Do you know he has feelings for my daughter?’’

  “I do.’’

  “And you still went after her. How could you?’’

  “Mom!’’

  “No, she’s right. Aideen, she’s right.’’

  I cross my arms over my chest. Our wonderful bubble is burst and it’s hard to have to justify ourselves, our feelings. Feelings are uncontrollable.

  “Ma’am, I know you don’t like me very much and I understand your point, believe me. Whenever I think about Hal I hate myself. I shouldn’t be a selfish bastard, I should put him before me and I tried.’’ He looks down at his powerful thighs covered by the old denim of his pants. “But Aideen brought something in my life and for the first time in a while I started seeing something other than darkness. I’m not used to not getting what I want, not used to denying myself something or someone. That makes me a despicable man in your eyes, I’m sure, but the truth is I’ve never had to be something else and I’ve never had someone mean enough for me to actually be someone else. Aideen makes me want to be better, to wish for more. Hal…Hal’s infatuation for Aideen isn’t as strong as my feelings. Does that mean it’s right of me to go after your daughter? Fuck, no. Not in a million years, but I did and the worst is I don’t even regret it. Now…’’ He clears his throat and locks eyes with her. “Now that you know this, you can judge me and tell me I’m not good enough for Aideen. But I’m going to do what I can to be worth it. I’m going to be there when she needs a shoulder to lean on, because even though she’s one of the strongest people I know, she still needs to break down once in a while.’’ He clears his throat again. “Then, because Aideen will help me be a man, I’ll be able to be a father.’’

  I rub his arm with my free hand, trying to convey what his words mean to me. He doesn’t know this, but he’s an amazing man. Rough around the edges, who makes bad choices sometimes and who is probably going to be judged regarding Hal, but he isn’t a bad man. He’s just lost and trying to find his footing again. I can relate to that and I’m in awe when I think how much he�
�s fighting, always, to stay afloat.

  My mother sighs and settles more comfortably in the armchair, as if the tension in her shoulders starts to taper off. “I don’t know you, but at least I can see you care about my daughter. To be perfectly honest it’s more than I thought upon first hearing of you.’’

  “I love your daughter.’’ He glances at me and offers me his half-smile that makes me swoon. I feel myself blush lightly. “At first I thought it was some kind of strange obsession, something I was going after to make my life a bigger mess because I have a tendency to be self-destructive. But it’s way more than that and I quickly caught up onto it. She’s my…my life.’’

  “Jensen,’’ I murmur and put my head on his shoulder, breathing him in. “You have your own life.’’

  “With you, I hope, beautiful. I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.’’

  I smile against him and squeeze his hand once, silently talking with him, conveying what I feel for him. At this point, I don’t really care if my mother is witnessing this moment, I don’t really care if she approves or not. I love Jensen and he makes me happy when I’m with him. Being together isn’t easy and it’s going to get tough when other people get in the know, but I believe it’s worth it. That kind of love? It’s worth a lot.

  “Honey,’’ my mother calls me and I straighten up, but don’t release Jensen’s hand. In fact, he keeps a good grip on me as if afraid I’d slip away. “I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive of this relationship. I just…’’

  “You wanted to protect me. I get it, don’t worry. In a way you’re right. I’m going to hurt someone I really care about, Jensen is going to hurt one of the people he cares the most about, but happiness is difficult to find. I’ve got it now and I’m not letting it go away. I’ve been miserable these past two weeks.’’

  “That’s why I’m here. I thought that we could do something to cheer you up.’’ My mother shakes her head, and her eyes land on my hand in Jensen’s. “Your father and I were worried.’’