We Shouldn't and Yet... Read online

  “Bull.’’

  I clench my jaw, fish a few bills and slam them on top of the bar next to the lemonade I’ve barely touched. “Fuck off, Q.’’

  I stand up and run out. I won’t admit it, but I want to catch her before she leaves. I’m sure I need to apologize or something, but most of all, I want to talk to her. Make small talk, have an opportunity to look in her eyes, to do something. Anything.

  She’s already in her car. I jog and knock on her window before her car comes to life. She startles and her eyes widen when she sees it’s me. She opens her window, her frown back and her mouth pursed.

  “If you have something to say, hurry. I want to grab my stuff and be out of your hair before tonight. That way, you won’t be subjected to my judgmental temperament.’’

  I close my hands into fists. My heart lurches in my chest and my blood suddenly runs cold. Even the heat of a typical summer day doesn’t warm me. Fuck me. “What do you mean? You’ve got a place?’’

  “I do.’’

  I force my fingers to uncurl and I crouch next to her, my arms now poised on the car door. I want to reach out, tug a stray curl of her hair behind her ear, feel the silk of her skin and brush my lips against hers, but I don’t move another muscle.

  “Already?’’

  She bites on her lower lip, the plump lip now held captive by her white teeth. I’m riveted, transfixed really. I want my mouth against hers, I want to taste her, to draw out a soft moan from deep within her.

  “What are you doing, Jensen?’’ she whispers, her voice a little breathier than before.

  My name has never sounded so hot before. I feel it in my balls and once again, I clench my fists. “I don’t have a fucking clue, but it’s bad.’’ I lean closer to the opening of her window, my head now close enough to her to smell her and it’s another charge to my groin.

  “How bad?’’

  I lock eyes with hers and I’m a goner. Her pupils are dilated, and I know it’s not from the beer she had. I’m doing something to her, and now I don’t think it’s only fear or apprehension. I let my tongue run along my dry lips and her eyes fall down to my mouth. I growl so very low that she doesn’t hear me, but it echoes inside me.

  I lean even closer, getting back on my feet, but keep my head level with hers. “This bad,’’ I rasp and close the space between us.

  She’s tense, but this time I don’t let it rebuke me. I push on and my mouth meets hers. Her lips are closed, but soft and they taste like beer and the grease from her fries. It’s insanely addictive. I lick at the seam of her lips until she gasps and I plow in. My tongue slips inside of her mouth and I’m meeting hers, delicious, pliant and fuck. It feels too good.

  Her tongue dances with mine, brushes, swirls and retreats. She takes everything I give and returns the favor until I feel my balls getting tighter, dangerously so. I nip at her lower lip and lick it to take away the pain. And she gets off on it. She moans. It’s a tiny sound, feminine and the best fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

  But when I’m ready to up my game, she pushes me away and I let go. I’m torn from my delicious haven, left dry, hard, and frustrated.

  “Don’t do that again.’’

  I blink at her, and step back. If she’d slap me it wouldn’t hurt more. I stand up to my full height and watch her drive away without a spare glance my way. I adjust myself and groan when the zipper of my black jeans bite into my hard cock.

  Didn’t she feel how good that kiss was? Am I out of my depth here or is there something more, something I don’t get going on with her? I don’t fucking know, but after having that small taste of her, I can’t back down. And right now, I don’t care about the consequences. I don’t want to think about them. I just want to think about Aideen and what it’d feel like to have her hands and mouth on my dick, or what it’d be like to thrust inside her. It’s the only thing on my mind anymore.

  Because she’s managed something I thought impossible; the whole fucking world disappeared for a few precious minutes.

  ***

  AIDEEN

  Stuck at the red light four blocks from the bar, I finally blink. I don’t feel like I’m in a fog, it’s the opposite. I feel more alive than I have in years. That kiss… damn it, that kiss was unbelievable. It’s not just because Jensen is a great kisser, but because he calls out to me on a chemical level I can’t fully understand.

  I bring a hand to my galloping heart and tighten my grip on my top. I can’t possibly ignore the effect he has on me, but it scares me for so many reasons I can’t begin to wrap my head around it all.

  When I decided to come here I pictured myself moving on with my life, starting a new job and making new friends, but nowhere in my plans was there a man I’d want so badly it makes me shiver whenever his eyes are on me.

  My lips are still tingling and the skin around my mouth is just a bit tender from his scruff to remind me that that kiss isn’t just in my imagination.

  Jensen marked me and I have no idea of what will come out of everything. And I don’t know if what I now feel is fear or excitement.

  My life is changing and it’s going a lot faster and very differently from what I anticipated. But there’s one thing for sure; I really need out of Jensen’s house.

  AIDEEN

  I put away my last piece of clothing in the dresser of the small bedroom and glance at Hal sitting on the bed. He jumped at the chance to help me unpack when I sent him a text an hour ago. He was just about to leave the rec center.

  Of course, I’ve waited a few hours before texting him. It has actually taken me hours to cool off after Jensen’s kiss. Just thinking about the way his whiskers felt on my skin, the way his skillful lips played with mine, I’m clenching down below.

  “Ready to order pizza?’’ Hal asks me, already dialing the phone to place an order.

  I chuckle and gesture for him to follow me back to the small living room. I turn on the TV and give him the remote. I don’t really care what we’re going to watch. I just like it when there’s background noise. It makes it a bit easier to stop my mind from wandering to bad places.

  “Thirty minutes to wait.’’ He channel surfs for a couple of minutes and settles on a re-run of a blockbuster before he focuses back on me. “Are you okay? Since you’ve been here you’ve been…’’

  “Weird?’’

  “No, more like not exactly yourself.’’

  I shrug and take a deep breath. For once, I’m letting the emotions linked to my past rush in. “I’m fine. It’s just that I’m worried for my mother and I keep thinking about Yann. I don’t know, maybe the change of scenery is harder than I thought it’d be.’’

  He puts an arm around me and pulls me closer until I put my head on his shoulder. It feels safe, easy. I bring a hand to his strong thigh and enjoy the proximity. Sometimes it’s good to be in someone’s arms and it doesn’t have to be sexual. It’s about comfort and Hal is that for me. I smile and sigh contentedly when his warmth seeps into me.

  “Do you want to talk about him?’’

  “No. There’s nothing to talk about, really.’’

  “You always say that, Aideen.’’

  I pull away and look at his somber face and furrowed brow. “Does that bother you?’’

  “A little. I mean, I’m your best friend and you know pretty much everything about me.’’ He tugs a few strands of hair behind my ear. “You keep so much of yourself locked away.’’

  I look away and hug myself. “You know how it ended with Yann. It’s more than most people know, Hal. And being best friends doesn’t mean we have to share everything. I have some things I’m still trying to overcome and talking isn’t… It’s not me. I’m not one to wallow.’’

  “It’s not wallowing but talking. I’m not going to judge or say anything.’’

  “Stop. Please.’’ I bring my legs to my chest and wrap my arms around my knees, head resting on them to keep an eye on my pushy best friend.

  He nods and lets it go, but somehow
there’s a distance between us now. I’m aware that he wants me to open up more to him, but I hate talking about the mess that is part of my past. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but talking makes it harder to breathe and I don’t want to break down in front of him, or in front of anybody for that matter.

  “You mind if I ask my father to come? I ordered too much food for the two of us.’’ He grabs his cell from the small coffee table made of light-colored teakwood and quickly glances at me.

  I stiffen at Jensen’s mention. I don’t know what I want more; him in my apartment or him far away from me. Instead, I tell Hal I don’t mind if his father joins us. Though, I’m pretty sure he’s got plans for the evening. A man like him must not spend a Friday night on his own very often.

  “Jensen, it’s Hal.’’ He chuckles and runs a hand along his jaw, like I’ve seen his father do. “Yeah, I’m with her. Listen, we ordered pizza. Want to grab a bite with us at her place?’’ He frowns and slides a glance my way before he focuses back on the TV. “No, it’s all good. I’ll text you the address. Laters.’’

  I sit upright, my heart beating faster. “Is he coming?’’

  “Yeah, apparently he cancelled his plans earlier today. He was about to go back home.’’

  “Great. I mean, that’s good, I guess. You need to spend some time with him if you two want to connect,’’ I blabber with a sudden bout of nervous energy.

  He shrugs and turns the sound up louder on the TV, oblivious to my change of mood. Apparently, he’s more mad at me for not wanting to talk than I thought. But I’m more concerned by Jensen than Hal’s petty anger. My cheeks are already getting hot. I don’t know if I’m going to manage and play it like nothing happened today. If only Jensen wasn’t Hal’s father I’d be able to talk about this with my best friend.

  ***

  JENSEN

  When Aideen’s door opens I’m not prepared to feel myself react to her so quickly. But seeing her huge eyes, her parted lips and the pink hue in her cheeks make it all the more difficult to keep it in my pants and to keep my hands in my pockets. I’m back to being a damn horny teenager. At my age it’s fucking laughable.

  “Hey, come in,’’ she rushes to say, jerking away from me when I take a step inside her small apartment. If that doesn’t scream ‘back off’ I don’t know what does.

  I’m aware I’m scowling already, but I can’t help it. This woman is driving me up the fucking wall. I’ve spent HOURS thinking over that kiss and now seeing her react this way… I briefly clench my teeth. “Thanks for the invite.’’

  “It’s all Hal.’’

  I nod. “That doesn’t surprise me.’’

  She narrows her eyes at me, her lips once again pursed. “What does that mean?’’ she asks me lower, her voice tight.

  “Nothing, but—‘’

  “What are you mumbling about over there?’’ Hal calls from the couch where he’s sprawled out watching some mindless movie on the small screen of the TV.

  “Pizza! He was just asking for the pizza.’’ Aideen rolls her eyes away from Hal’s probing eyes, but I see it and I can’t help the chuckle. The poor girl is as flustered as I am. At least, that’s comforting.

  I look around and I’m glad to see that her apartment isn’t the dump I feared it’d be. It’s clean with modern furniture that actually matches. The shades of light brown don’t clash as far as I know when it comes to decorating and she seems to have everything she needs for a start. Also, the building is located in a good, quiet part of town, which is reassuring for a young woman living on her own.

  I follow her in to the small living room and sit in the only armchair, leaving her to go back to Hal on the couch, who smiles softly when she presses against his side. I focus on her, intent. She doesn’t have to sit so close to my son since the couch can sit three people, but she is almost plastered against him. Does that mean something? Probably not. I mean, if Hal had made his move and they’d been together he’d be touching her more intimately. I sure would. And Hal wouldn’t have invited me over.

  “I’m sorry I can’t offer you a beer. I have yet to go grocery shopping.’’

  I shrug and lean back in the armchair, hoping that the muscles in my back would stop bothering me. I’m aching pretty much everywhere today and I don’t know what is real and what comes from my shitty mood. I massage my bad shoulder with one hand and touch my bruised cheek with the other.

  “What happened?’’ Hal asks me with an amused curiosity. The kid is always having a blast when I tell him some story of shoplifting.

  “Some punk ass kid thought it would be fun to punch a man three times his size when said man is stopping him from leaving the mall with an unpaid video game. Fun times.’’

  Hal laughs and shakes his head, turning down the TV volume. “You really need to find another job.’’

  My frown comes back with a vengeance. I don’t know how to take this. If he’s criticizing, then I’m pretty sure I’m going to snap at him. I hate it when people think they’re entitled to criticize my life when it’s already in shambles. At least, I can keep a job, two even, I pay my bills on time and I have a roof over my head. That’s more than some vets can say. It’s easy for people to give you advice when they haven’t seen your friends, your army brothers fall. Or when you’re wondering everyday why you’re alive, coming out almost unscathed from an explosion on the last mission of a tour. It’s easy for them to talk when you feel lost most of the time. Then, if they know what it’s like, maybe I’d agree to at least listen.

  “There’s nothing wrong with his job,’’ Aideen says, putting some distance between her and my son. Her usually soft eyes are now wary and annoyed. It shouldn’t, but it’s calming me down immediately.

  “I didn’t say there’s anything wrong,’’ he retorts with an annoyance I’ve never seen in him before. “I don’t know what crawled up your ass today. You’re so damn defensive.’’ He crosses his arms and with narrowed eyes, waiting for the fight.

  I sit up straighter, ready to intervene before they argue when Aideen takes me by surprise. Apparently, she’s very good at it.

  “You know nothing about vets or how difficult it is for them to go back to a normal everyday life outside of the army. You’re always like that, Hal, thinking that you know everything and you have the answer to everyone’s issues, but you don’t. Instead of asking for more, for something else, you should be damn proud of your father and support him.’’

  “Who says I’m not supporting him, huh? You’ve been here for two days, Aideen. I’ve been here for the last few months.’’

  She jumps to her feet, body shaking, cheeks red from anger, eyes bright with fury. What the fuck is going on here? Because it’s obvious it’s something that’s more than just a fight between best friends.

  “Forget it, Hal.’’ She grits her teeth and turns around as if to go to her bedroom. I want to reach out and ask her to stay, but I’m frozen in the armchair, a spectator. And, God help me, I’m even harder than earlier. Seeing this spark of passion, these extreme emotions, it’s doing something to me, making me want to see where that passion could lead without clothes on. Damn, I’ve got a one track mind.

  “You’re running away again. Every time you have to open up about something you run away. Yann really did a number on you.’’

  She whirls around and marches to my son who visibly pales. Apparently he knows he’s said something he shouldn’t have. He looks sick to his stomach, his eyes now pleading with her, but he keeps his mouth closed. Aideen’s body is coiled, as if ready to strike. As furious as she is, she still looks gorgeous.

  “To answer your dig at Yann and me, yes, he did a number on me, but considering what you know, it’s not surprising.’’ She takes a deep breath, obviously trying to regain some of her composure. “You should leave before I say something I’ll regret.’’

  “What?’’ His back pushes harder in the back of the couch as if punched straight to his heart.

  “Leave. Now.’’
<
br />   “But—‘’

  “Now!’’ she screams. Hal jumps and quickly grabs his cell, not once sparing me a glance before he sprints out. But I see his haunted face. He’s made a huge mistake and now he must pay the price for it.

  She’s breathing hard, too fast when the door soundly closes after my son. She walks back to the couch on shaky legs and sits down heavily. Without thinking I stand up, round the coffee table and sit down next to her, almost touching her side. I gently grab her hands gripping her thighs and I let my thumbs move in tiny circles on her silky skin. This innocent touch is raising the hairs on my arms.

  “Calm down and match your breathing with mine. You hear me?’’

  She nods slowly, her eyes now glassing over with unshed tears and I’m man enough to say that it’s breaking my heart. There’s so much pain contained in her, so many dark emotions she’s keeping inside. I don’t know her, I only met her a couple of days ago, but it’s blatantly obvious this woman does not easily show her emotions. But right now, they’re ready to overthrow her and it’s ruining me.

  After a couple of minutes of breathing deeply and slowly, she’s calm again. But I don’t want to release her small hands from my big ones. Yet, she tugs gently at them and I reluctantly let go, already missing the warmth of them in mine. It’s crazy how I sound like a pussy since I’ve met her.

  “I’m sorry about this.’’ She shakes her head and keeps her chin down. She’s hiding.

  “No need for that.’’ My voice is rueful, raspier than usual. “Never apologize for coming to my defense.’’ I take her chin in between my thumb and index finger and tilt her head upward. When our eyes lock, it’s like a charge straight to my balls and I’m getting hard again. It’s not the first time I’ve felt a connection with her, but it’s the first time I’ve seen the darkness in her. “Who did you lose?’’

  She blinks and a tear falls down her cheek. Before it even reaches her chin she dries it, not even leaving a damp trace of its path on her skin. “My uncle. He died a year ago during a tour.’’