Six Years Read online

  Silence fell again and it got more awkward. When he asked me to go and see his mother with him, while he was driving here I never thought he'd be like this. I imagined Mrs. Bell to be all over herself to see Nolan, I'd imagined Nolan to be a mess of emotions and not this freakishly controlled guy. I imagined cries and yelling matches, but instead we got silence. It was like the awkwardness of my own house. My parents and I barely talked, and when we did it was about the weather—literally—and more often we would look everywhere but at each other.

  I bumped my shoulder into Nolan's and glanced at him while his mother was looking at her empty cup in her lap. She looked so small and quite pathetic to be honest, as awful as it sounded. He shook his head at me, but when I tried to pull my hand away, he tightened his grip and turned to look at his mother. The way he stared at her changed from cautious to full of pain in a blink of an eye. It was eerie and it tugged at me. It was the same kind of look I remembered him having years ago when he was spending some time with me. It was haunted and I couldn't even imagine what he had to go through and he never told me. I’d been way too young, back then.

  "You wanted to see me?" he asked slowly, his voice a lot deeper than usual. Was it because of how he was feeling? Was it because he kept silent for the last few minutes? I didn't know and didn't care because it was the tone of his voice that pained me. Fear was dripping from him. He was afraid to be hurt all over again, and it awakened something in me. I wanted to protect him from everything, just like he did when I was a kid.

  "Yes, I..." Mrs. Bell sighed and put her cup on the coffee table, cringing when she moved. "I'm glad you came back."

  "I don't know why I did," he replied shortly. He tugged on his lip ring with his teeth. The tiny sound of the silver clinking against his teeth was very rhythmic, just like a fast heartbeat.

  "Maybe it's because you need to hear me say sorry."

  He released my hand and I immediately felt the loss of it, the loss of his warmth. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his eyes never leaving his mother's. I'd never seen him like this. "It wouldn't change a damn thing."

  She nodded and bit on her lower lip, exactly the same way Nolan always did with his lip ring. I'd never seen the similarities between them before, but at that very moment, I did see it. "You're right. I should have done something sooner and you have no idea how sorry I am, Nolan."

  He held up a hand and stood up, shaking, his muscles bulging. "That's all bullshit. You're dying and you want to leave in peace. Then congratulations. I'm back, you saw me and now I'm out. Let's go, Brooklyn."

  "Nolan..." I started, looking back at his mother's face crumbling as she was trying to keep her tears at bay. We couldn't leave her when she was upset like this. What if something happened to her?

  "Whatever," he cut me off and stormed out before I could say any more, leaving me alone with his mother.

  * * *

  NOLAN

  A blur. Everything around me was a blur. But inside me, Hell, inside me it was another story altogether.

  My breath was ragged, the only thing my buzzing ears heard. My limbs shook as I hit the ground going back to my car. I tightened my fingers around my car key and welcomed the pain. It’s mild, just a tiny pinch in my palm, but enough to help me focus on something other than the inferno burning inside.

  In what world did I ever think that it’d be a good idea to visit her? She’s only brought pain into my life, even when I’d been just a small kid unable to fend for myself. The only thing of importance to her had been her next fix. And now, now that she was knocking on Death’s door she’s trying to make amends. But it’s too fucking late. Way too fucking late.

  I climbed in my car and tried to catch my breath as the car came to life. I was still shaking badly, but at this point I couldn’t tell if it’s from anger or all that pain I thought I had let go all those years ago. It’s like the rest, I just filed it away, but it never went away and now it came back with a vengeance.

  All the times I had to pick her up from the floor because she was too stoned, all the times I had to find more money to pay her dealers before they came for us, all the times I had to lie to my teachers when they wanted to see her, all the times I just wanted a fucking parent to be there for me flooded me all at once. And it hit me hard. Real hard.

  I clenched my jaw and blinked back the tears I didn’t want to shed for the woman as I floored the pedal and sped away. Just seeing her for a few minutes crumbled my well-practiced, hard-earned stable and mature exterior. Now, only the fucked up man I grew up to be was left.

  And to add to it all, Brooklyn picked her side. Not mine. I can’t believe my mother’s sickly look got to her in light of everything. She picked her! My frown deepened and I pushed through the tight feeling in my chest at the thought. I needed her, but she stayed behind. Six years ago, she would have never done this. Never.

  * * *

  BROOKLYN

  With the sound of his car speeding away faded, I turned back to his mother. She was crying silently.

  "He'll come around," I assured her with a forced smile.

  She shook her head and dried her face with shaking hands. "With you probably, but not with me. I did him so much wrong."

  "I know it, but he's got a good heart. He can't stay mad and he knows that second chances are important."

  "I'm not even asking for a second chance," she said. She grabbed the large black sweater on the armchair and put it on. It was hot today and I didn't know how she could be freezing. Was it a side-effect of her treatment? "I'm way past a second chance and I did nothing to deserve one. I neglected him and put him through too much starting when he turned six."

  "Why did you contact him then?"

  When her eyes bore into me, they froze me. Determination like I'd never witnessed was pouring out of her. "I wanted to give him the chance to truly move on once and for all. I don't want him to have any regrets or questions after I passed away. It would eat at him and I don't want that kind of life for him. He's brilliant, gorgeous, successful and he used to be an amazing boy. I’m sure he is an amazing man now.’’

  Swallowing was difficult suddenly. That was the most selfless thing I had ever heard, real sincere words and I never thought I’d hear something like this coming from her. I’d spent years despising her for what she did to Nolan, but now I can see the woman her drug use had stolen.

  I stood up and forced a smile to my face as my pain and hang-ups were surfacing at thinking that even a drug addict could show a motherly vibe when my own mother never did and probably never would. "I'll make him come back."

  "Why would you do this if you never kept in touch with Nolan?’’ she asked.

  "He means too much to me to turn around and resume my life without him. He was my best friend and family for years before he left. I can't forget that. I don’t want him to suffer because of his past anymore.’’

  She couldn't stand up, but as she was looking at me, it was like she was towering over me. She could see through me, she understood what I was not saying aloud.I've always loved him.

  "He's lucky to have your love, honey. I hope he won't waste it because of me and his father."

  I shrugged and walked to the door. With my back to her, I said, "It doesn't matter. He doesn't see me like that. He has a girlfriend back in New York."

  "Live with no regret, Brooklyn. That's the best advice I could ever give you."

  Just before I walked out of her little apartment, I looked over my shoulder, unsure of what to make of her words. Instead of saying something, I waved and fished my phone. It was too early to call my "boyfriend" to my rescue—I bet he’d just hang up on me—but it wasn't too early to call Nolan. I didn't want to walk for an hour to go back home. I still had work tonight and I would be walking enough in the bar as it was.

  "Why are you crying, Little B?"

  I looked up and watched Nolan climb through my window. I didn't want him to see me cry because my parents didn't want to hear about what happened a
t school. They didn't care, didn't love me and I didn't want Big No to know about all of it. I didn't want to be that little girl in his eyes.

  He knelt in front of me, his big hands on my thighs. My heart missed a beat and my tummy was all funny again. I shook my head, but I didn't pull away. "Talk to me. You know how I hate to see you cry." His soothing voice made the tears fall faster.

  I opened my arms and sneaked them around his neck, burying my damp face in his neck. He smelt of body wash and smoke and I felt secure against him because I knew that he cared about me. He always cared about me.

  "A boy stole my lunch at school and he made fun of me."

  Big No pushed me away just a little bit, but I didn't want to. I dug my fingers into his shoulders getting bigger. He bit his lip ring and his frown deepened. He was angry. "Nobody told your teacher?"

  I shook my head, my eyes widening. "I'm not a tattle-tale!" I sniffled and pushed my hair away from my forehead. My bangs were getting too long, but I didn't want to ask my parents to go to have a haircut. They were always sighing when I asked for something. I hated asking for anything.

  "You or your friends should have told someone. Who is this boy?"

  Once again, I shook my head. I knew Big No. He'd go see the boy's parents if he knew who it was and I didn't want him to do this. "He won't do it again."

  "Do your parents know about this?"

  "Mom has a headache and Dad doesn't want to talk, I think."

  "Fucking role models my ass," Big No mumbled, and it made me chuckle. He smiled at me sheepishly. He hated it when he said bad words in front of me, he thought it was bad for me or something. "Give me the boy's name, Little B. If nobody talks to him he'll bug you again and I don't want you to cry over a boy. Never. Even if a boy does stupid things to get your attention."

  "He doesn't want my attention."

  He chuckled and shook his head, his hazel eyes soft on me. "God, you're so young." He stood up and looked down at me. "His name?"

  I rolled my eyes. He won't stop. He was so stubborn sometimes. "Cole Troscky."

  He scoffed. "I know his older brother." He grabbed his cell phone in his jeans pocket and started dialing a number before he looked back at me, his frown even more pronounced. "He's older than you, isn't he?"

  I nodded. "He's twelve."

  He brought the phone to his ear and waiting a few seconds before Cole's brother picked up. I wanted to hide and never go back to school. They would all know that I told someone, tomorrow. "Hey Nick, it's about your little bro." He listened a second before he cut the other off. "Yeah, he messed up someone's lunch today and bullied her." He walked to the window and closed it as the wind was getting colder outside. "I care about this little girl so tell him to stay away from Brooklyn Powell." He chuckled and shook his head, tension leaving him. "She's my neighbor."

  Neighbor. That's all I was when just one of his dimpled smiles was the thing I was always looking for to light up my day. I was his little friend and even if it hurt to be just that, at least I meant something to someone.

  He hung up and walked back to stand next to my bed, towering over me.

  “So Little B, ready for our movie night?’’

  I nodded with a big smile as I made some room on my bed for him. I had Big No for me alone for a couple more hours, way more than my parents ever gave me.

  BROOKLYN

  Of course Nolan wouldn't answer. Seriously, What the fuck was that? I was beyond pissed and I just wanted this day to end. For the third time, I checked the time on my phone. I didn't have the time to walk back home before my shift if I wanted to be there on time. I could kiss goodbye a hot shower and fresh clothes.

  I shook my head and grabbed the earbuds of my iPod and turned it on. I needed some loud and fast beat music to calm down. I sang over a song by Shinedown I liked, but it's when someone honked that I paid attention to my surrounding. I screeched, jumped behind an old tree next to the road and looked around.

  "What was that?" Nolan asked, his lips twitching.

  His big posh SUV was in the middle of the road, the windows down. Nolan's eyebrows were up high on his forehead and he seemed amused. To be honest, I must have given him quite a show when I leapt out of the road.

  "What are you doing here? I called you several times, but you didn't pick up," I said after I decided to ignore his question. I put my iPod back in my handbag and walked to his car with all the dignity I still had, which wasn't much.

  "Sorry for that. Climb in¸ I'll drive you home."

  I opened the door and as soon as I was sitting in his car, I enjoyed the cold air blasting from the AC. I sighed. Nolan was still looking at me, but his amusement was not visible anymore. Instead, when he bit his lip ring nervously, I knew that he was worried I'd go bat shit crazy on him. I wouldn't do that. Not on him, at least.

  "Feel any better?"

  He shrugged and drove away toward my house. His eyes were not leaving the road, even for a second. "It was a mistake to go there."

  "You should go back to see her. She's not..."

  "I'll stop you right now, Brooklyn." He looked back at me and I recoiled in my seat when I saw his eyes more dark than hazel. I've never seen that look in his eyes. Ever. "She's my mother and I am the one who had to live with her. Don't pretend you know everything."

  I looked outside and I realized that we were in front of my house. My parents' cars were parked in the curb and I dreaded going inside, but I didn't want to stay in this car either. Not when Nolan was like this. I looked one last time at him, feeling the wall between us once again.

  "Fine. Just ask yourself one question. Will you have any regrets once she’s dead?"

  And I turned around to the house without waiting for an answer. After all, he needed to think a little, dwell on this. I knew him, he might come across as though he has a short fuse sometimes, but there was more to him than that. He could spend hours or days even thinking about something, analyzing it and dissecting it. I was sure it helped his career and that was why his thriller books were so widely acclaimed for their details and complexity. Not that I’ve ever read one…

  * * *

  NOLAN

  Will you have any regrets once she’s dead?

  Brooklyn’s question and her voice echoed in my head as I watched her walking to her house, her hips swaying tantalizingly at every step. A heavy weight fell on my shoulders because I didn’t have to ponder that question to find the answer.

  Yes, I would have regrets. Many, many regrets. How could I not? But there’s nothing anyone could do to prevent these regrets to arise. But most of all, I wanted to protect myself because when facing her, it undid me.

  Brooklyn gazed at me over her slim shoulders just before she closed the door behind her and my gut twisted. Fuck. What was she doing to me? I wasn’t supposed to think about her that way, to picture her as a woman, as avery attractive woman. She’s doing something to me, something I had a hard time understanding. She’s Little B! Damn it. She’s not some woman I should want in my bed. But…

  And as if on cue, my phone started ringing. Katy Perry’s voice invaded my car and guilt washed over me, freezing me to my core. I took a deep breath and answered, pulling away from the Powell’s household.

  “Hey, babe.’’

  “Nolan? I called you twice already. What’s going on?’’ Lena’s voice sounded annoyed, but also concerned. Since I’d left New York she’d been on my back, texting and calling every few hours as if to check on me or something. And she’s not giving me any space to actually miss her. Instead, the woman on my mind is the wrong one.

  I forced a smile on my lips. “I was with my mother for a bit. I’m sorry, babe. I told you it’d be challenging to be back here.’’

  “Maybe you should come back home. I don’t know why you’re putting so much pressure on yourself when it’s obvious you’re not happy in Riverdale. And you have a book to write. You can’t let yourself be sidetracked.’’

  “I know ok!’’ I let slip some of my fr
ustration, my voice harsher than it should have been. Damn, I was a dumb-ass. She’s a great girl, patient and sweet with me and all I was doing was brushing her off. What the fuck was wrong with me these days? “I’m not going to stay for long.’’

  She sighed softly in the phone. “I don’t get why you keep me out of this.’’ Her voice sounded small all of a sudden, almost a whisper.

  I cringed and my guilt increased. “I…I don’t want…’’ I cursed under my breath, not really sure how to simply end that sentence. “My past has nothing to do with my life in Manhattan. That’s all.’’

  “But you left to visit your mom. It’s important, isn’t it?’’

  I swallowed uneasily as a lump formed in my throat. “Lena…’’

  “I’m your girlfriend, Nolan. Doesn’t that mean something?’’

  I pulled over in front of the only diner in Riverdale, an old rundown establishment passed down from generation to generation of the Finley family. I stared at the peeling cream paint and the washed out letters over the door saying “Finley’s Food’’. “Of course it does. Please, just give me a few more days. We’ll talk when I get back, okay?’’

  She’s quiet for a few moments, making me wonder if she’s even listening to me. Oddly, the idea that she’s somehow detaching herself from me wasn’t as difficult as I thought it should be. Finally, her soft voice, pitched a little bit higher than usual breaks the silence. “I guess so. Call me later?’’

  “I’ll call. I’m stopping at the diner here to write for a little while.’’

  “That’s good, really good.’’ She’s smiling now, I was sure of it. Her words weren’t laced with disappointment and sadness anymore. At least, I managed in reassuring her. If only I could convince myself that not everything was crashing around me, that’d be wonderful. “Talk to you later. Love you!’’ She chirped.