We Shouldn't and Yet... Read online

  I clear my throat and cringe before I glare at Q. “Seriously, fucker? Can’t you keep a damn secret?’’

  “Hey, she’s my wife!’’ He holds up his hands and smirks at me, exactly the kind of smirk I serve him when I’m trying to fuck with him. It makes me want to clock him.

  “Yeah, so?’’

  “He can’t keep things from me if he doesn’t want to end up on the couch. That’s marriage, Jensen.’’

  I look back at her and shake my head. “Another reason why I don’t want to get hitched. Ever.’’

  “It’s true then?’’ The disapproval in her haughty voice is plain and clear. Sometimes she really is a pain in the ass. I’m sure exactly how a younger sibling would be if I wasn’t an only child.

  “I don’t want a lecture, Olivia.’’

  “You know he’s stubborn, babe.’’ Q kisses his wife’s cheek and pulls her closer to him, pulling the chair with her. He then puts a hand on her stomach, smiling fondly down at it as he rubs soothing circles. Q is a big guy, much like I am, and seeing him so gentle makes me feel like I’m intruding on a private moment.

  “That doesn’t mean I can’t speak my mind.’’

  I stand up abruptly and lean my hands on the table to support my weight as I level them both down. “No need. You disapprove, Q disapproves and anybody around here would too if they knew. I don’t need your fucking input.’’

  “Then grow a pair and act like the father you are. Stop this now before it gets out of control.’’

  I laugh humorlessly, my head now down between my shoulders.

  “What’s so funny?’’ she asks, bewilderment audible.

  “Not a fucking thing is funny. She’s doing something to me and I can’t explain it. There’s only one thing I’m sure of. Since she walked in my life, I’ve been out of control with her.’’

  “All the more reason why you must stop this. You know it, Jensen.’’ Her voice is soft now, but the words aren’t. They fucking blow a hole in my chest. I don’t know what it is, but it hurts. Bad.

  “Babe, drop it,’’ Q says in warning.

  I look up and she gasps. I don’t know what she sees in my eyes, but Q’s face drops too. Yeah, I must look as bad as I feel right now. I straighten up, grab my leather jacket from the back of the chair and shrug it on.

  “I need some air. I’ll call you later, Q.’’

  I walk out, this time determined to go for a ride on my bike. I need to put some distance from everything. I need to run from everything for a while. I need…Fuck, I need Aideen right now. I put on my helmet with more force than necessary and speed away way too fast for the city limits, but I don’t give a fuck. They can give me a ticket. I just need an out.

  AIDEEN

  I’m outside with my father, drinking some sweet tea in silence. He keeps looking at me with questions written all over his face and as minutes pass I start to feel pressured to say something. I know my mother told him about my big revelation from this morning, but he’s not hounding me with questions. I’m surprised, actually.

  “I know you don’t approve either, Dad,’’ I mutter, breaking the silence when I can’t take it anymore. I’m not used to this wall of silence between us.

  He pats my hand. “I’m just worried, Baby Bear.’’ He looks back at the house where we can see Mom moving around the kitchen through the big window opening to the garden. “We’re both worried. I don’t want you to make bad decisions because of your loss.’’

  “Aren’t you upset? At all?’’

  He sighs and tension appears around his eyes. I hate it, I hate being the one creating worries. “Maybe I’m upset too. Thirty-eight is too old for you.’’

  I chuckle, but it’s not light hearted. If anything it emphasizes the growing knot in my stomach and the building ache in my chest. I sigh too and take another sip of the sweet beverage I made earlier. “You don’t want to hear this, but I like this…uh…thing with him.’’

  “Do you like this because of him or because you’re free to just be instead of taking care and worrying for someone like you did with Yann? You should question your reasons behind your actions and weigh up the pros and cons, because, Baby Bear, it’s going to hurt when Hal finds out. He’s trying to get to know his father, build something and I’m not sure he’ll take it well when the truth comes out.’’

  “What if there’s no reason, no thought behind it, Dad? Would it be that bad?’’ I mumble, masking the ever growing pain by locking my jaw and tensing the muscles in my stomach.

  “If it doesn’t risk hurting someone, I’d tell you that it’s not bad. But you care about your college friend, don’t you?’’

  I nod and fall back into silence as I take my phone and quickly type a single sentence for Jensen. My fingers shake on the screen and I feel my father’s eyes on me, but I don’t look at him.

  We need to talk. —A

  These words don’t bear good things usually and as I hit send, lead falls on my chest. It becomes hard to breathe, but I push through. I’ve always pushed through the pain.

  “Baby Bear?’’

  I shake my head and stand up stiffly. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I know, I’ve made a mistake.’’ Or so I keep hearing.

  But in spite of everything wrong, it doesn’t feel like a mistake. We shouldn’t have let ourselves go down that route, and yet we did. But it’s still early and maybe we can rectify this. It’s obvious that we can’t continue and we’ve deluded ourselves thinking that we could do this for a little while. I’m still deluding myself by thinking that I hurt, that each beat of my heart is painful at the impending end of our arrangement. I’m not supposed to hurt. I don’t look at my mother as I walk in the house and I go straight to my bedroom where many pictures of Yann and I through the years look back at me.

  “You wouldn’t understand either, would you?’’ I say to Yann in the pictures, remembering how our relationship was always going through a rough patch over the years. We’ve never had a normal relationship because of one bastard. I’ve never felt like a true woman before Jensen because of that. Is that why I find him so irresistible?

  There’s still no answer to my text and I don’t expect one either. For all I know, he’s going to break our arrangement tonight when going out with Hal after my text. I wouldn’t blame him, but I’d still hate it. And yes, it would hurt too.

  ***

  JENSEN

  We need to talk. —A

  I don’t know how many times I’ve read her text today. Probably over a dozen times. I toss back another shot of tequila and glance back at Hal talking with Q at the bar as he’s serving our order. The bar is packed tonight, which is a damn good thing for Q as it’s Saturday night. Shows that his business is still thriving, probably even better since he took over and brought in a younger crowd.

  “You look like trouble.’’ A seductive voice says from over my shoulder. She walks in my line of view and takes Hal’s seat without asking if it’s free or not. Cassie is like that. Easy, spontaneous. She’s also having issues regarding her ex-husband and that’s why she’s the perfect woman to satisfy my sex life. She used to be, at least.

  “Cassie.’’

  She purses her lips painted in a bright pink. Usually, her mouth like this would have made me stir a little in my pants, but right now my cock is in a coma. She’s not the one doing it for me and she never really was. She used to be the easy plan, the easy lay.

  “Not even a month ago you used to seek me out when you looked like that.’’

  “I used to,’’ I retort sharply. “Not anymore.’’

  She nods and toys with the end of her side ponytail. Her blond hair shines and contrasts against her bronze skin. “I guess it’s the girl you ditched me for that has you in such a mood. Where is she?’’

  I glare at her and bite my tongue before I say something I’d feel like an ass for later on. Cassie has done nothing wrong. She’s nosy, but she’s entitled to be. I’d been fucking her pretty hard for months
and I ditched her unceremoniously. She’s probably onto someone else already, but the woman deserves some decency too. I’m a fuck up, but I know it and I feel bad for not being able to give her that. I feel even more mad at myself for not wanting her. It should be easy. Aideen is away for the weekend, Cassie is here and willing if I believe the way she’s looking at me with lust in her green eyes. But I don’t feel anything. There’s nothing going on in my pants, even when I look down Cassie’s top to peek at her fake round breasts and her bra barely covering them. I don’t feel a fucking thing.

  “There’s no one,’’ I growl out instead.

  “You look like you need to fuck, Jensen. I know that you need it when you’re like this. If she doesn’t—‘’

  “Drop it. Now.’’

  She shivers at the command in my voice, but I don’t spare her the tiniest of smirks. Usually, I’d get off on knowing that my command does something to a woman, but I don’t care here. It’s another story when it’s Aideen and that’s the problem. Maybe I should try and fuck someone else to forget about her. I know what her text means and one way or another I’m going to need to.

  “You sure I can’t convince you?’’ she asks, her voice lower.

  My eyes land on her breasts again. Her nipples are pushing through her white top and I can even make out their darker shade if I look hard enough. That’s how sheer her top and bra are. But still nothing.

  “It’s over, Cassie. Get it in your head.’’ I stand up and stalk to the bar, patting Hal’s shoulder as I slip between him and a man sipping his drink while chatting up a young thing who looks like barely college age.

  “Give me a whiskey. Double.’’

  Q frowns at me and serves me, but before he puts away the bottle I grab it and put it on the bar, right next to my full glass. “Leave it here.’’

  “Fucker, you’ve had a lot already. It’s almost closing time.’’

  “Fuck off, Q.’’ I glare at him and he backs down, his face getting darker. He shakes his head and walks to the other side of the bar where a group of customers are flagging him. His other bartender is already busy mixing some girly shitty drink for a group of loud women.

  “Everything alright?’’

  I nod and get down to business, getting very familiar and close to the bottle. “You should go home, Hal.’’ I don’t want him to see this.

  “I’ll wait for you. It’s ridiculous to pay for two cabs when we’re going the same way.’’

  I shake my head and toss back another glass. Numbness is already starting to gain in on me. That’s good. “I don’t care. Go home.’’

  He grabs my shoulder, the bad one, and turns me to face him. His face is somber. In his eyes I see some weariness and also concern. As if I deserve that shit after what I’ve been doing with Aideen. As if I deserve it when all I want is to thrust balls deep in her.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?’’ He glares at me and crosses his arms over his chest, parting his legs as if to show that he’s got all fucking night long waiting for me to say something. But I can’t. I can’t say a goddamn thing to him.

  I rub my temple and frown harder. The bar is moving around me, the floor seems far and my tongue is starting to feel bigger in my mouth, but I’m too coherent for the shit storm to ease off in me. I feel like someone snapped something in my chest. And I know I don’t have enough alcohol to keep the nightmares at bay.

  I wave at Q, almost hitting the man next to me in the process. Of course, my best buddy has an eye on me. He immediately walks to us and I hand him a fifty. “We’re out.’’

  He pushes my hand away without taking the bill. “Wanna talk about it, fucker?’’

  I laugh then, almost to tears. People around me start watching, but I don’t give a fuck. Hal comes closer to me, as if worried I’ll keel over. He’s fucking worried. What the fuck is my life, huh? “There’s nothing to say,’’ I slur. “I don’t even know what I feel.’’

  Q leans over the bar and gets close to my face so he doesn’t have to yell over the noise made by the patrons. “You have feelings for her. That’s what it is.’’

  I straighten up as best I can and wave him off. “You’re fucking wrong, there.’’ I turn around before he says something else and make my way to the door. I stumble and Hal catches me before I face plant in a woman’s cleavage. He apologizes for me, always the good boy, and leads me out.

  Once we’re outside and I’m leaning against the wall as we’re waiting for our cab, Hal asks me hesitantly. “Do you…hm… Do you want to talk about it? I mean, we don’t talk much about that kind of thing, but if something from your years in the army, you can—‘’

  “I never talk about that shit,’’ I cut him off, snapping harsher than intended. I sigh and rub at my blurred eyes. “Sorry.’’

  “It’s fine. Aideen, warned me it could be a sore spot.’’

  “Aideen?’’ I can’t fucking help but ask about her. I bring my head back against the wall and groan. Hal cringes and gets out of my way. He probably thinks I’m ready to puke.

  “Yeah. You know, with her uncle and all, she knows more than me.’’

  I nod and close my eyes. “She’s right. I don’t want to talk about this.’’

  “It’s that, then?’’

  I snort and shrug. “It’s every-fucking-thing.’’ I turn my head toward him and open my eyes into slits. “I’m fucked up, Hal. You have no idea how much.’’

  He brings a hand to my shoulder and pats me, just as awkwardly as I often do to him. “Doesn’t matter, Jensen. You’re family.’’

  I’m man enough to say that I’m ready to weep.

  ***

  AIDEEN

  I park in the first parking space I find, not that far from my building and turn off the engine. I bring my forehead to the steering wheel for a full minute. I’m beat, but it’s more psychological than physical. The weekend has been tense and filled with silent, disapproving and worried glances from my parents. Epic fail if I have anything to say about it. I’m not eager to go back there, even though by then the motive of their disapproving stares would be gone.

  I swallow thickly and grab my keys, purse and the overnight bag I threw on the passenger side. I’m ready to go to bed and forget about everything. I’m postponing this for one more day. Tomorrow will be soon enough to talk to Jensen. And really, I haven’t had an answer to my text and Hal told me this morning that his father disappeared early this morning. I don’t want to know where he is or what he’s doing.

  I open the car door, throw my purse and overnight bag on one shoulder and push the button to lock my car. I turn around and freeze. There, standing next to his bike parked close to the building’s entrance is Jensen. All tall, muscular and dark, his attention fixed on me. I shiver and clench just seeing him. I don’t need much more than this. I look away briefly, giving me the opportunity to gather my wits and walk to him. I keep a blank face, my head high. I’m an adult; I need to act like one and face this mess.

  Upon closer inspection, he looks pretty tired. There are dark rings and bags under his bloodshot eyes. His cheeks are hidden by a thick beard again and his mouth is not the same kissable mouth I’m used to. Instead, his lips are pursed and turned slightly downward.

  “Hey,’’ I say barely above a whisper. My voice has a hard time leaving the tightness in my throat.

  “Hey, beautiful,’’ he rasps and goes to grab my overnight bag to help me, but I take a step back before his fingers come into contact with my skin. “It’s going to be like this?’’

  “I’m sorry.’’

  He sighs and I watch his big chest expand, his muscles pushing against the washed out fabric of his old shirt. “Don’t be.’’ He cocks his head to one side. “It’s over, isn’t it?’’

  “It has to be.’’

  He nods and looks away, hiding away from my prying eyes. “I thought I’d have more time with you. But you’re right. It’s best that you find a reliable guy.’’

  “It’s not abou
t that, Jensen and you know it.’’

  “Don’t say his name, beautiful. I don’t want to hate my own fucking son because of this mess.’’ He rubs his temple, fixes me one long moment. “Don’t let the guilt tarnish everything. Just…just think of me as your rebound guy. In the end, that’s what I really am.’’

  “You’re not. I don’t know what it was, but it has very little to do with rebound.’’ I take a step closer to him and put a hand on his strong chest. He stops breathing for a couple beats of his heart and then he closes his huge arms around me, pulling me against him. My purse and bag fall to the ground and I don’t pay attention. I let them and wrap my arms around his waist.

  “Push me away, Aideen. Now, before I take you upstairs and fuck you again.’’

  I whimper against his chest. His lips land on my neck and he starts kissing me there. The rasp of his beard only heightens the touch and I arch my back to better feel him. His hard length pushes against me and I fist his shirt in my hands. “I don’t want to.’’

  “Fuck, beautiful. One last time. Give it to me one last damn time,’’ he growls close to my ear, his voice hard yet weakening as we’re both falling into the clutches of lust. Again.

  “We shouldn’t.’’

  “Right now, I don’t care about the should or shouldn’t shit. I just want you. One. Last. Time.’’

  One last time. One last time.

  I nod against him and he releases me at once to pick up my purse and bag as I lead us to my apartment. It’s a mistake, but I can’t just sever things without having him one last time. I need his arousing touch, the pleasure he brings inside me to help me forget everything but him, myself and the sensations he’s awakening inside me. That’s all I want right now. Forget and feel.

  He closes the door behind him and slowly walks to me as I walk deeper in my apartment. He drops my purse and overnight bag in the hall and grabs my face.